UnNews:Nobody cares the world ends in two weeks
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Nobody cares the world ends in two weeks
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Sunday, July 24, 2016, 08:51:UTC)(
7 December 2012
Two weeks. Two weeks! Remember when we started worrying just a couple years ago? And our parents before that? The reasons? The possibility? Well how come you don't care? Well, you know what? I still do!
So before you try to explain why the world isn't ending in two weeks, let me finish packing my survival equipment. What is this, you might ask? It is a zombie-zapper because I don't know if the whole entire world will go I Am Legend on my ass, so I might need to give you zombies a little zap to get you to stop following me. Trust me, besides, my brains taste like spinach. Nobody likes spinach. No, I will not tell you how I know my brains taste like spinach.
So, you don't care still? Well, guess what, I won't feel sorry when you're dead! You ain't coming with me! I might, just might, visit back next week sometime just to see if you kind of might wanna consider joining me in my quest to survive. Salvation is free, just like your mom!
Aww! See! Corny your mom jokes, this world is gonna end in two weeks.
P.S., I've already burned down my house and sold my stocks. My Camaro was sold too, and I've also received no money for it because I told them I believe we are all going to die at the climax of two weeks.
No ELA teachers were raped in the making of this UnNews
|This article features first-hand journalism by an UnNews correspondent.|