UnNews:Nobody Expects the Spanish Inquisition

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Nobody Expects the Spanish Inquisition

Every time you think, you weaken the nation —Moe Howard

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26 August 2006


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Nobody in a state of high alert

MADRID, Spain -- In an exclusive UnNews interview today, the elusive character Nobody provided us with information regarding his growing concern of the return of the Spanish Inquisition.

UnNews: Thank you for taking the time out from hiding to speak with us today. We understand that you've noticed signs that may point to an upcoming return of the Spanish Inquisition?
Nobody: Yes, that is correct. Except this time, the Inquisition will happen on American soil.
UnNews: But you refer to it as the Spanish Inquisition?
Nobody: The American government got the idea from medieval Spain. As you know, the Inquisition pursued so-called "heretics" and enemies of the Christian religion, which happened to be everyone that did not strictly follow the rules set down by the Bible.
UnNews: What are some of the signs that you've noticed?
Nobody: The flamboyant homophobia that has gripped the conservative population is a dead give-away. In addition, the other day, two men came to my door. One referred to himself as a calificador, and said that my habit of watching Will&Grace was a horrific sin against the Church. The other man, who refused to identify himself, attempted to arrest me. I used a taser against him, and the two men fled. Several minutes later, I found a burning cross in my backyard. I knew I had to flee then.
UnNews: The Inquisition included widespread religious and racial discrimination against Muslims and Jews. Do you see any of that happening here?
Nobody: Of course! We treat every random Muslim we see on the street with extreme suspicion, as though they will hijack the nearest plane, or at the very least, put a suitcase full of snakes on it. And we simply don't trust Jews.
UnNews: Does anyone actually believe you?
Nobody: My friend Waldo does. He and I are hiding from the Inquisition together. They'll never be able to find us in Madrid.

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