UnNews:Noah's ark to sail again
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Noah's ark to sail again
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Friday, March 23, 2018, 01:47:UTC)(
29 April 2007
SOMEWHERE IN THE ROCKY MOUNTAINS - French excentric and self-described “creationist” Johan Huibers spent the last twenty-two years of his life building an exact replica of Noah’s ark, which he plans to set adrift in the Mediterranean Sea in July, 2007, to test the story of the Biblical ship’s maiden voyage during the flood that God is said to have sent upon the earth (or, at least, the Middle East) some 4,000 years ago, to destroy “all flesh” (or, at least, all Middle Easterners).
Based on “painstaking research” and the advice, recommendations, and guesswork of hundreds of Biblical scholars, archaeologists, historians, fundamentalists, and other consultants, including former Vice President Al Gore, the replica, built of cedar and pine, with various seams and openings filled by twigs and dried mud, is “authentic in every detail,” including the 500-seat theater that is believed to have shown “science fiction/fact films” such as The Time Machine and The Invasion of the Body Snatchers as well as films featuring Bruce Lee, to Noah, his family, and their "furry friends" and a “library that houses the research materials” Huibers used to create his full-scale model of the ark.
In addition, the uncovered upper deck will feature a petting zoo. However, an animal rights advocate, Huibers will stock his ark, petting zoo included, with life-size plush animals of the sort that were common to Noah‘s part of the world: camels, giraffes, elephants, crocodiles, zebras, bison, leviathans, and unicorns. Commenting on using stuffed animals instead of living creatures, Huibers said with a laugh "I love 'em, but I don't like cleaning up after 'em."
The book of Genesis contends that Noah, his wife, his three sons, and his three daughters-in-law were the only human passengers (and crew) aboard the original vessel. “My wife and sons refuse to come." "I guess they don't like the sea." he added. "I'm trying to convince a couple of gals from the local shelter to come along. We will be the modern-day stand-ins for Noah and his women,” Huibers told Unnews’ reporter, Lotta Lies.
However, not everyone agrees with Huibers project. Huibers wife, the former Governor of Texas, Ann Richards said when questioned, said "I 'd like to be a supportive spouse. When we first dated and he told me about his plans we were constantly drunk and I thought he was kidding." "Later, I just thought he would grow out of it. He's spent every penny we ever had on this!" said Mrs. Huibers who was wearing a tattered dress and obviously in need of dental work. Mrs. Huibers speaking from her home in the central Rockys with the Ark visible in her back yard exploded "Stop encouraging him! The man's a loon, a nut case, a Mad Hatter! He sleeps in his Micky Mouse pajamas for pity sake."
When told of his wife's reservations, Huibers cheerfully responded "She doesn't even believe in extra terrestrials!" He said, based on expert advice from Al Gore, that he would wait for global warming to raise sea levels in the Rocky Mountains "and simply float the Ark off the mountain top." If necessary, he would tow the Ark "Cross-Rockies" to the Pacific in a borrowed 1969 Ford Mustang. All agreed that it was some car.
"I'm looking forward to showing a skeptical world that Noah's Ark not only could really have existed, but also that it DID exist and that it was not only seaworthy but it also endured the greatest flood ever to be visited upon this earth" "The greatest flood that is, until the anticipated flood from Global Warming that the Vice President assures me will soon occur."
When contacted for comment Gore said "The Ark will float off the mountain top as surely as there is time travel."
Huibers is also looking forward to his “cruise” and intends to recreate the voyage authentically, in every detail.”
Following the voyage, the Huibers Ark will be retired to a place of honor atop Mount Ararat, the traditional resting place of the original ship, where tourists may visit it for a fee. "I need to recoup my expenses and a few million dollars for my troubles," Huibers explained happily.
Mrs. Huibers was rumored to be changing her name, and voter's registration to Republican.
- Lotta Lies "Modern-day Noah puts his faith to the test, building replica of Biblical ark". Instant News, 12 seconds ago