UnNews:No need for witch doctors - I'm staying, says Mugabe
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
No need for witch doctors - I'm staying, says Mugabe
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Monday, November 30, 2015, 01:33:UTC)(
23 February 2007
|UnNews Audio (file info)|
|Listen to this story!|
BEER HALL, Bavaria --President Robert Mugabe has ridiculed followers for consulting witch doctors to choose his successor, dismissing the suggestion that he is going to step down. As always shaking his fist, Mr Mugabe, 82, told Zanu PF leaders and party elders at a weekend "consultative" Nazi rally in the country's nazi capital, Berlin, that they should not rely on witchcraft to choose Zimbabwe's next president.
The Pint of Guinness lookalike, who drew cheers and laughter from the crowd, told them: "The things we hear about succession, succession, succession. We hear lots of unbelievable stories about succession. We hear some people are consulting witch doctors, but with corruption this good you dont need them!"
To get more laughs from the crowd Mugabe did his drunk Rodney Dangerfield act, then moved on his accordian. Meanwhile the Minister of Obfuscation and Flimflammery of the Union of African Witchdoctors, Dr Blood Otembe claims "this is major blow for the industry and could greatly ruin our business! I`ve I just sent my son to shoe shine school!"
The statement by Mugabe highlights a controversial topic in a country where 92% of the population cannot wipe their ass or say who Bob Geldof actually is. Otembe went on explaining "people have lost faith in black power now days its got so diluted because of Martin Luther X. But my powers are weak in these modern times. Before I could kill people using a gun and even photoshop my face on to anyone in the world." Yes Otembe I'm sure you can!
- Albert Speer "No need for witch doctors - I'm staying, says Mugabe". BMW Press Release, 14 seconds ago