UnNews:No Bolt can stop Christie

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia

Jump to: navigation, search
UnNews Logo Potato
This article features first-hand journalism by an UnNews correspondent.
No Bolt can stop Christie

Democracy Dies with Dignity

UnNews Logo Potato
Thursday, March 22, 2018, 08:33:59 (UTC)

F iconNewsroomAudio (staff)Foolitzer Prize

Feed-iconIndexesRandom story

11 July 2017


Gov. Chris Christie (in red and white) beats Usain Bolt (in yellow and green) in the 100 meters. The governor is giving his famous Christie Victory Salute after daylighting the competition.

EAST RUTHERFORD, New Jersey -- In an incredible, shocking upset, New Jersey Gov. Chris Christie won the men's 100 meter event in the World Track and Field Championships held under the lights at the Meadowlands Sports Complex. He not only bested the elite of the running world but perennial world champion Usain Bolt as well, who finished second.

"It was a spur-of-the-moment thing," Christie explained. "I looked 'em up and down and just knew I could beat a bunch of bums and commies." Officials agreed and, as they say, the race was on.

When no uniform or shoes could be found to fit, Gov. Christie decided to run in street clothes and his lucky flip-flops worn on the beach just about a week earlier. "Running in regular governor shoes woulda killed me," he said.

Bolt said he was prepared for pre-race trash talk from Christie. "He seemed very friendly and came out to shake my hand. I was not prepared for the sucker punch to the gut, nor his breaking my ankle." Doctors note that it is only a hairline fracture that will heal in a matter of months. Bolt continued, "The thing that really surprised me was the pipe hitting both my knees. I guess you can hide a lot inside those baggy pants." The famed runner from Jamaica was also to learn later that the governor was good friends with Tonya Harding. Sports experts speculated that Christie saw Bolt's uniform and might have had previous issues with the neighborhood in Queens.

After the governor's Blackwater security team greeted the other runners, the start of the race came quickly. With a small delay caused by one of the Kenyan runners laying unconscious on the track, officials apparently did not notice the governor taking a head start. With the starter somehow losing his pistol, one of the Blackwater team members generously offered to start the race with his gun, barely missing Canadian runner Tim Hortense in the process. Christie's advantage could not be overcome and he won by daylight. After heated protests by several runners, officials upheld the results, on the basis that they did not want to live permanently at the Meadowlands due to a closure of the New Jersey Turnpike.

Amid loud and persistent jeering, the triumphant governor took a victory lap in his helicopter, causing a few minor decapitations. Christie noted, "I tell ya, that's what happens when you sit in the cheap seats."

edit Sources

Personal tools