UnNews:Nigerian micro-cap plans IPO
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
|UnNews Audio (file info)|
|Listen to this story!|
Problems playing this file? You might be a dope.
Nigerian micro-cap plans IPO
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Thursday, March 23, 2017, 16:46:UTC)(
9 May 2014
MAIDUGURI, Nigeria -- Nigerian micro-business Procol Harum announced it would raise capital by executing an initial public offering: of the hundreds of girls it kidnapped from a schoolhouse three weeks ago. The girls should fetch $10 apiece and can look forward to promising careers in prostitution. The Arabic-themed business, a subsidiary of terror smelter al-Coa (NYSE:AA), said it would use the proceeds to continue developing its "course-ware" as it pursues Muslim notions of education.
Most of the girls were taken in a raid on the Chibok Girls’ school in the state of Borno. Experts say the "multi-purpose assets" could serve as human shields, as well as becoming the child brides of leader Ali Baba's fighters. As is usual in IPOs, the fighters and Mr. Baba himself will be subject to a "quiet period" to keep them from providing their own spouses and concubines in the auction and claiming that they are kidnapped schoolgirls, "flipping" them to make stag profits.
Though Chad has evidenced interest in an upcoming auction, and so has Beavis, most eyes are turned toward the United States. Basketball owner Donald Sterling said he would commit to purchase the first 25, as "owning them is the best way of keeping them from attending any Clippers games." Fred Phelps needs to put "fannies in the pews" as badly as ever, but he has been unusually silent over the past month and no bid is expected from him. Al Sharpton was enthusiastic about buying a few dozen with which to double the audience of his MSNBC show. It can be assumed that the hostages are virgins, which means one could purchase a proper Koranic post-suicide-terrorism gift for about $860.
Rona Peligal of Human Rights Watch protested the transaction, noting that the girls will be abused, then discarded if they should contract AIDS. But American law experts say this would be classified a permanent employment disability entitling the workers to full, lifetime benefits. Any pregnancy resulting from their former role would also be taken care of at taxpayer expense.
The Obama administration has assembled a team of military and law enforcement agents. The administration was adamant that they are not "going to war," this time, but just helping local troops with police details such as proper telephone etiquette with hostage-takers. The administration is understandably reluctant to take sides in the business conflict, as both sides are equally black. The Democratic Party is likewise conflicted as to whether its signature support for women's rights should take priority over its more recent pattern of support for Muslim terrorist rights. Opposition Republicans want a more muscular response. As John McCain put it, "Bombsh away."
- Perry Chiaramonte "Girls held by Boko Haram face auction, life as sex slaves if rescue fails". Fox News, May 8, 2014
- Sam Jones, Emma Howard and agencies "#BringBackOurGirls focuses world's eyes on Nigeria's mass kidnapping". The Guardian, May 7, 2014