UnNews:Nicolas Cage is a vampire
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Nicolas Cage is a vampire
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Friday, May 22, 2015, 10:12 (UTC)
22 September 2011
BRISTOL, Tennessee -- Nicolas Cage: actor, producer, director...vampire? The news was discovered after a photo on cheap used clothing site eBay was put up for auction. The photo sports a striking resemblance to actor Nicolas Cage, who will be turning 48 in January.
Many theories have been produced about the similarities between the man in the photo and Cage. One such theory proclaims that God ran out of body parts, so he cheated in 1964 by reusing body parts. "I did not", says God, "well, except I pretty much got Rosie O'Donnell from Oliver Hardy. I mean, how is that not obvious?"
Reports of Nicolas Cage frequently having fruit punch in his mouth, and the fact that him and his pet bat (also named Nicolas) have never been in the same place at the same time, have fuelled the rumour that he is in fact a vampire, however, especially after he admitted to it himself.
So is Cage really 47, or is there merit to the rumours? Since the discovery of Cage's real identity, people are frantically looking through old Civil War archives to find an equally disturbing and amazing photo, and the subsequent flood of results on Internet forums has only bolstered suspicions that, in fact, much of the world's population are vampires.