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15 October 2017

New pound coin

New pound coins have now completely replaced the old. With the simultaneous regime change, HRH Empress Joanne has decreed the new coins carry an image of Fawkes the Phoenix. The 12 invisible sides of the coin are a key security feature.

Portmeirion, North Wales -- The deadline has passed for redeeming the old pound coins with an estimated 500 million still in circulation. The changeover was made necessary because the old coins were easily faked. This was evidenced by the recent arrest of a notorious ring of 3-year-olds in Milton Keynes, who were caught with over 750,000 counterfeit pound coins and the Play-Doh press used to make them.

This was after last December’s mass arrests of several hundred children who suspiciously still had Jewish surnames, who were caught with gold-colored fake pound coins. "They’re only chocolate. It’s a Hanukkah tradition", claimed Rabbi Daffyd Llewellen while hanging upside-down from his personal waterboard. All are currently being held in a re-opened Maze Prison, awaiting execution for blasphemy, namely eating unsanctified chocolate during Jesus’s holy days.

Exchequer for the Treasury Roman Artyukhin noted, "This situation is wholly acceptable in that most of the pound coins around are fakes". He then launched into a technical discourse explaining how to detect the forgeries, showing the assembled press that Dame Edna Everage is not on real pound coins and is an Aussie besides. When reporters returned from running outside the room to check their pockets and purses, he added, "Of course, since Boy George is on the tenner, the confusion is understandable".

Monetary expert Barrett Strong has an explanation for the missing coins. "These are often used to level the legs of wobbly furniture or jammed in windows to keep them from rattling in storms. Plus if otherwise fussy British homemakers would occasionally clean underneath the cushions of their sofas, I’m sure they’d find the millions hidden away there. Still, I can understand not wanting to disturb lodgers living in the couch crack, whether paid-up or not."

Shopping trolleys, parking meters and beggars will no longer accept the old coins. However, Tesco is still accepting old pound coins in their Live Squid for a Dead Quid exchange program which no reporter has been willing to test. Not to be outdone, Sainsbury’s is offering Ground Round for a Pound, where old round coins will be ground up into dust before your very eyes and will be exchanged for a full half kilo of Uzbeki 1 tikrit coins. Certain designated post offices will accept the old coins unless you are robbing them. Not to worry, all merchants and banks will still cheerfully accept forged banknotes, bottle caps, pigeon feathers and spaghetti formed into the £ shape, as per the norm.

This, as always, has left the upper classes unruffled, as all their daily transactions are settled in guineas and by the signature of a trusted secretarial lackey. Settling accounts for a small fraction of the total only after a merchant’s death has proven to be an effective lasting tradition.

The Mint has recently received orders for the high-tech machinery used in making the newer 12-sided coins. Russia and several of its neighbouring states said they want to make "their own 12-sided coins as soon as possible". Alarmists were calmed by Treasury officials who said the security feature, "Kindly Do Not Counterfeit" inscribed on the edge of the new coin, would prevent abuse.

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