UnNews:Nickelodeon Unveils New Projects

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Nickelodeon Unveils New Projects

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26 August 2014

HOLLYWOOD, California -- Coming this fall, Nickelodeon announced its latest plans to bank even more money off of your children's inferior minds.

Nickeldeon wants brains

Nickelodeon once again has a line-up of crappy shows which are likely to be cancelled after a single season. Among these are 20 sitcoms, half of which created by Dan Schneider. Also on the chopping block are several cartoons; including "Istanbullshit" - which takes place in an alternate realm of Turkey that is populated entirely by living feces and a snake - as well as "Wacky Deli: The Series", "The Adventures of Boogy and Snot", and a dozen rip-offs of better shows from other networks.

SpringBoob SquirePants, an executive at Nickelodeon Studios, made the statement that Nickelodeon and Nick Jr. will be merging into one channel because the company wants to be as appealing to kids as possible, and the two channels are basically the same. For extra measures, Nick has fired half its faculty and is now hiring local paedophiles to take their place.

Gator aid

One of many promising shows slated to air on Nick this fall.

The network also plots to renew SpongeBob for 10,800 seasons so as to continue mooching off the only current show on its network that has any lasting value (besides The Fairlyodd Parents, which is now its abused second-banana stepchild that's being killed with awkwardly unfitting live-action movies starring Drake Bell). There are also plans for a Rugrats spin-off that takes place 25 years in the future, where the main characters deal with drugs and sex as Chuckie gets aids.

And there's also a bunch of equally-unsettling movies on the way. "The Legend of Korra: The Motion Picture" - directed by M. Night Shyamalan - is set to be released this October, followed by at least five sequels to the Airbenders movie, also directed by Shymalan and produced by monkeys with typewriters.

Last and least, who could forget the inspiring partnership between Nickelodeon and Viacom? Whose tireless dedication has granted the chance for crap to air on television and rise above shows that would have actually been good for children to watch. If you have no talent, want someone to take credit for your ideas, or if you're a pedo, then turn to that proud company whose chief goal is putting kids first. And money. But mostly money.

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