Finally, a decent article indexing service

Half a year ago, on reorganizing the Front Page, I demoted the Departments on finding that they (and the index to UnNews Audios) coughed up only the first 500 entries, in alphabetical order. PuppyOnTheRadio seemed to know why this was the case and thought there could be a workaround, but we let the matter drop.

Now, Gert5 has devised UnNews:Sports (and many other related pages--each has its own Nav Bar at the top). This is a chronological list of articles of interest ("interest" being defined by the article's use of [Category:Sports] or whatever), initially displaying a page of the newest 40 articles, but importantly, able to display the older pages.

The only case where this intersects with the Specialty Indexes is in UnNews:Sports Page. Gert has snuck a link to his chronological index here. I think it is a sore thumb where he put it, but also that it actually needs to be much more prominent. I propose to:

  • Extend his work to cover articles by geographical region, as the Departments on the Front Page do now.
  • Replace the Departments section on the Front Page with links to his pages, the existing ones and new geographical ones, and quit hiding it near the bottom of the page.
  • Ask the Newsroom whether Gert's naming scheme for his files is optimal.
  • Ask the Newsroom (especially Happytimes) whether we need new categories so that the contents of the other Specialty Indexes can avail themselves of a Gert page.
  • Beg Gert to re-code the UnNews Audio "archive" linked to in UnNews:UnNewsAudio. Done, then improved by Gert
  • Invite him to comment further on his work. Spıke Ѧ 01:15 26-Jul-10
These are some significant points and ideas. I am a bit distracted lately, and so will give this some thought and comment, but make no guarantees on my timeliness. Let me take this opportunity to mention that Gert5 and Happytimes have made some noteworthy contributions, and it's good to see them get some documented credit here. Cheers! Zimbuddha Rev. Zim (Talk) Get saved! 05:16, July 26, 2010 (UTC)
Gah. Is it really so hard to do a reacharound of the <forum> tag? --Sir General Minister G5 FIYC UPotM [Y] #21 F@H KUN 06:55, July 26, 2010 (UTC)


The tool is better than the old tool that UnNews:UnNewsAudio used to use to display (part of) an alphabetical index. But it has a problem. I think the date used should be creation date, not last-edit date. Zim's UnNews:Freddie Flintoff: "Smoke 'em if you got 'em" appears high on the list, but all that has happened is that Anon has decided that Flintoff should be 32 instead of 42. It isn't new news, and it isn't a new audio. Using the creation date would present stories in order of their newsiness. Spıke Ѧ 06:58 26-Jul-10

I sweedishly started using the dynamicpagelist that the Forum tag is based on. Use the "ordermethod" parameter to specify "created" or "categoryadd". Nifty. --Sir General Minister G5 FIYC UPotM [Y] #21 F@H KUN 10:12, July 26, 2010 (UTC)
Hmm. Doesn't seem to work. --Sir General Minister G5 FIYC UPotM [Y] #21 F@H KUN 10:14, July 26, 2010 (UTC)
That old tool was this one --Sir General Minister G5 FIYC UPotM [Y] #21 F@H KUN 10:23, July 26, 2010 (UTC)
NO, IT WAS THIS ONE. Finally got that to work. Smile and explode. --Sir General Minister G5 FIYC UPotM [Y] #21 F@H KUN 10:42, July 26, 2010 (UTC)

Schweet. Do you always talk to yourself? The paging mechanism at the bottom doesn't seem to work in the case of UnNews:AudioArchive; I always get the newest stories. 12:12 PS--As the list is sorted by creation date, but the date reported is the date that the category was added, the report might produce some odd-looking sequences. Spıke Ѧ 13:03 26-Jul-10

Gert, as the Rev. is taking a hands-off stance for the time being, may I suggest that you go to the UnNews Front Page, halfway down on the left to Departments, click on, say, North America, and instantly realize that changing the result to use your tool would be a quantum leap from useless to useful. Spıke Ѧ 13:15 26-Jul-10

That button was designed for the Forum tag. It stinks. --Sir General Minister G5 FIYC UPotM [Y] #21 F@H KUN 14:03, July 26, 2010 (UTC)

Those huge-ass modifications for UnNews

See also: Forum:Huge-ass UnNews modifications expecting YOUR approval

Besides what you see above, these are the modifikatiouns I want to make:

  1. replace the current header with UnNews:UnNewsNavBar2
  2. replace the UnNews Main Page with the now-heavily-populated opt3
  3. inherit audio files next to article names using {{InlineMedia}}
    • I'm talking about adding the (listen) bit to the end of article promos on the Uncyc Main Page. We can't add them to the lists at UnNews' Main Page.
  4. Call the Comics/Weather/Magazine/Horoscopes page just "Comics", since that's the only thing it provides extras of that the current Main Page doesn't already have.
  5. Embrace the <forum> tag as a way to convey recent articles, which has already been done on opt3 and the topics pages like UnNews:Politics
  6. add sharing (Digg/FB/other) buttons to {{date}}, or some other useful place.
    • {{BookmarkRow}} to the news? It's going to cause a huge-ass job queue.

--Sir General Minister G5 FIYC UPotM [Y] #21 F@H KUN 17:20, July 27, 2010 (UTC)

I like the increased automation of the lists, and especially a way to indicate the existence of an audio in lists.
I don't like the aesthetics of the new nav bar (mostly its use of ALL CAPITALS). I don't like the additional contents of the new nav bar, unless someone wants to step forward and agree to create and maintain complete new Specialty Indexes (Front Pages for new Departments). (It's the difference between being directed to a person and having a dope salesman invite you to go on-line because he doesn't know.) By all means access to these category lists should exist and should be featured, but it doesn't need to be a Section on the nav bar.
(We should get reader feedback, but the last time we asked for it, we didn't get any. My guess is that people rarely visit the Sports Page or the Washington Bureau.)
Regarding a more concise title to some of our Departments, I've already gone round and round with the Chief on this; see earlier on this page.
As Comics is the only added value of the Comics etc. department, another solution is to sweep them off the Front Page.
I run on a 1024-pixel screen and insist on specifying 12 point, so most other users are not as burdened, but the new Front Page is pushing the limits of clutter with me.
Rather than implement the above with an entirely new naming scheme (for example, with 2 on the end), go slow, get consensus, and then just replace the existing pages with the new code. Spıke Ѧ 17:36 27-Jul-10
I have a laptop that I test opt3 on. I'm guessing that it looks like junk, so we would have to divide away all the contents of the page into 3 columns. I'll see what I can('t) do. --Sir General Minister G5 FIYC UPotM [Y] #21 F@H KUN 18:09, July 27, 2010 (UTC)
I am using a laptop for everything now, and the layout is cluttered, although speaking for myself alone, I could tolerate it. It is important to consider that users come to us with all different sorts of interfaces. I'm sure I'm preaching to the choir here.
These efforts are noteworthy, and I want to take note of Gert5's hard work in developing what he apparently sees as a superior front page. I am optimistic. A nod to SPIKE as well for his involvement.
One last thing. I'm not sure how I like "The UnNews Times". Zimbuddha Rev. Zim (Talk) Get saved! 20:03, July 27, 2010 (UTC)
Omitted to mention, I don't like it at all; UnNews is the name of UnNews; UnNews doesn't need a name, nor a banner in the style of an ink-and-newsprint newspaper. Spıke Ѧ 22:13 27-Jul-10
Actually, The UnNews Times was from the original opt3, before I fouled it up. --Sir General Minister G5 FIYC UPotM [Y] #21 F@H KUN 13:20, July 28, 2010 (UTC)
Then you surely won't mind that I've now deleted it... Spıke Ѧ 13:34 28-Jul-10
Zim, I propose that if you approve of this change you place it for an official vote on the dump with the various options at hand since this is a major overhaul. Gert did start the process but I think it's first best if the UnNews gurus look it over and then hand it back to "the floor" with their comments. Whatdayathink? --~Jewriken.GIF 20:28, July 27, 2010 (UTC)
Before you do even that, please answer me this: I complain above that the paging mechanism for the new-style lists don't seem to do anything. Overnight, Gert lengthened the list and removed the paging mechanism. One of the several things being proposed is heavier reliance on this new list tool. Gert, are you saying we can never get anything but the first page out of it?
On Mordillo's proposal, I'm receptive to a lot of what Gert is doing, but do not want to be given a proposal to replace EVERYTHING with his version--search technology, reorg, and stylistic changes--in one fell swoop. Spıke Ѧ 22:23 27-Jul-10

The biggest concerns I have are

  1. Does everything work and has it been tested before going into production?
  2. What functionality would we lose, if any?

I hereby declare an impromptu committee, to be composed of... well, me. And SPIKE, Mordillo, and Gert5, if they desire and have time. Other long-time UnNewsers are, of course, invited to weigh in as well, if they have big-picture concerns. Let's get a basic spec we can all follow. If we still feel we should put it out there for voting, we'll have something people can debate easily.

As of this moment, I am treating this like I am still managing database applications developers for the energy business. This is not to say that the facade won't crumble, and that it all won't degenerate into a chaotic mess with loose, shoddy standards at best. For now, at least, dear fellow UnNews staff, please indulge my fantasy, and let me pretend I am running this from a huge Microsoft Project file. I will dig through everything myself and get up to speed as soon as possible, given that I have other stuff to manage too.

Cheers! Zimbuddha Rev. Zim (Talk) Get saved! 00:49, July 28, 2010 (UTC)

"opt3" reduced from 5 to 4 columns

Ah, yes. Those days working at the Electric Company. "Hey you guys!" Well, I divided opt3 to 4 columns, instead of five. And now I'm worried that everything looks flat and similar. --Sir General Minister G5 FIYC UPotM [Y] #21 F@H KUN 15:28, July 28, 2010 (UTC)

Solves the problem I report on the Forum: It all fits in the width of my screen now without a horizontal scroll bar. Remaining problems: (1) in the right column, Write a new UnNews Story should move above what was written 1 year and 2 years ago; (2) the right column is the widest column, on my rendering, and consists solely of stuff that the casual reader won't use; (3) lower on the page are long, unillustrated lists of various departments--visually unattractive answers to questions the user might or might not have asked--I'd replace them all by an expanded rendition of our broken Departments, consisting entirely of links to these reports. Spıke Ѧ 15:55 28-Jul-10
Just to say that what ever is being done is going to greatly improve the layout of UnNews and hopefully encourage more contributors. I have been distracted this week by other dramas so will re-focus here again. --LaurelsRomArtus*Imperator ® (Orate) 18:05, July 28, 2010 (UTC)
Horoscopes are done weekly, not monthly. As much as I like the graphic, I like seeing the blurb for the "Your Birthday This Week" much better. Overall, I'm not thrilled the layout. Headline pics are too small, and the whole design seems more about the redesign itself, and not adding any features that make me say, "this is a real improvement." My two cents.Zimbuddha Rev. Zim (Talk) Get saved! 23:13, July 28, 2010 (UTC)

Let us bow our heads in prayer...

/me sets up Electric Company sketch scene opens with two faces completely in shadow, facing one another (Face Left and Face Right)

Face Left: "G"
Face Right: "ert"
Face left and Face Right together: "Gert"
Face Left: "C"
Face Right: "unt"
Face left and Face Right together: "Cunt"

fade to black Zimbuddha Rev. Zim (Talk) Get saved! 18:37, July 28, 2010 (UTC)

My wife read the above and told me I'm sick and twisted. I replied, I cannot help the spontaneous arisings in my diseased mine, triggered by the notion of me working for the television show, The Electric Company. Zimbuddha Rev. Zim (Talk) Get saved! 19:16, July 29, 2010 (UTC)

UnFunnies expand magic

See it on opt3. --Sir General Minister G5 FIYC UPotM [Y] #21 F@H KUN 09:39, July 29, 2010 (UTC)

And lets move this discussion over to the Dump. --Sir General Minister G5 FIYC UPotM [Y] #21 F@H KUN 09:40, July 29, 2010 (UTC)
Why? Zimbuddha Rev. Zim (Talk) Get saved! 19:16, July 29, 2010 (UTC) 16:06, July 29, 2010 (UTC)
So Anons can't find us. Spıke Ѧ 17:22 29-Jul-10
No, seriously, because Gert started it there until Mordillo asked him to bring it here to make sure the UnNews regulars saw it. Spıke Ѧ 17:24 29-Jul-10

I saw it. It's slick, but I still like showing the featured comic best. I also like seeing the UnHoroscope blurb as it is presently on the Main Page. I feel very strongly about these, so if there's any discussion, let's do it now and move on. Zimbuddha Rev. Zim (Talk) Get saved! 19:16, July 29, 2010 (UTC)

And let's not move this discussion to the Village Dump. It's already begun there, and anybody interested can follow the link here. Zimbuddha Rev. Zim (Talk) Get saved! 19:16, July 29, 2010 (UTC)
For my part, I try each time to read the comic and see if I can understand the humor. If I had to MOUSEHOVER to see it, I probably wouldn't. The problem as Gert states it isn't that the comic takes up too much of the Front Page; it's that there is no value-added on the features page. Spıke Ѧ 19:18 29-Jul-10
I see no argument for "no value" being added to the features page (I'm assuming you're refering go the Main page). Is there one? Zimbuddha Rev. Zim (Talk) Get saved! 22:03, July 30, 2010 (UTC)
Sorry for the way that read--I'm referring to Gert's point that the only thing you get on the Features Page that you don't also get on the Front Page is more funnies. Spıke Ѧ 22:13 30-Jul-10
OK, that makes sense. Still, though, isn't that the point? Give a taste of the latest comic and horoscope, and send them to the specialty section for more? Zimbuddha Rev. Zim (Talk) Get saved! 22:44, July 30, 2010 (UTC)
Bottom line: You have a strong opinion on this (above), and I don't have one. Long story: The "value-added" line came up by my proposing that one alternative to Javascript glitz to reduce the footprint of Features on the Front Page is to ship them all off to the Features Section. Again, that was an alternative, not a preference. Spıke Ѧ 22:57 30-Jul-10
Better bottom line: Gert had an issue with what is on the Front Page, and proposed a solution using technical glitz. My impulse is: No, let's resolve the issue. Spıke Ѧ 09:54 31-Jul-10


Gert, could I impose on you to pause your drive to reimplement everything, in order to fix the one thing that is most broken here? As we've discussed, on the above-named template, only called by the Front Page, the news-by-continents is useless as an indexing service, and it ought also include the news-by-topic result-sets you've written. (Customer "service" is included in this template mainly to hide these three entries at the bottom of the Front Page.) Spıke Ѧ 17:22 29-Jul-10


Customer "service"

I need to say here that I would like to resurrect the prominence of Ask Cthulhu, and get it running again. Zimbuddha Rev. Zim (Talk) Get saved! 19:18, July 29, 2010 (UTC)

Yet another remake of the UnNews Front Page

Subscriber Aleister informs Zim, copy to me, that Olipro has opened a Forum thread advertising yet another total redesign of the UnNews Front Page. His take: "I don't see a single improvement, let alone a wholesale change." I am attached to our current implementation of Nav Bar, sections, and specialty indexes, but have no cosmic opinion on how the container should look, though I'll speak up as before when a change doesn't work well on my cramped little laptop screen. I told Aleister that the Forum's best response was the "marvelous idea that Olipro and Gert5 engage in a duel to the death. It could be like a vintage Republican primary election where the winner is doomed." Editors and contributors should read the Forum and see if they want to get involved.

Do you remember when we just wrote stories? Spıke Ѧ 09:52 31-Jul-10

Just putting it out there that myself and Ape On Thursdays also helped split the load of designing the new beta page *though Ape was banned he still made changes that Olipro copied and saved to the site). The new Nav Bar is, in my opinion, ugly with too strong of colors. It looks like a bunch of gummy bears shit rainbows onto a light blue background. While I appreciate the efforts thus far, I think you'll find that the beta page is not only more functional and less cluttered than Gert's, but it has the added bonus of mimicking the WikiNews layout, which is what the old UnNews layout that Oli designed was and what I (at least) feel we should strive for. You're welcome to discuss changes to the beta page; I've heard from Flammable and I believe I'm hearing from you Spike that the current layout doesn't fit on smaller windows? Could you take a screenshot for me and post it, and perhaps indicate whether or not the same problem occurs when you view the WikiNews main page? Cheers. --Hotadmin4u69 [TALK] 16:16 Jul 31 2010

No, I reported a problem with an early version of Gert5's opt3. Youse's Beta Page gives me no such problems.

However, I question the stated assumption: (1) That Wikipedia has a table that says that UnNews is the Uncyclopedia parody of Wikinews does not mean it is true. (See Argumentum ad Wikipediam!) Even if it is (or was) our goal to parody Wikinews (which would lead to restrictions on writing that everyone would hate), we have no duty to physically resemble it. Any confusion we create as to whether a given site is the real or fake one, is not to our benefit. I have no problem with UnNews looking like--UnNews.

The clash in colors of the existing Nav Bar arises from mimicking the colors of each tab's destination page. Spıke Ѧ 16:55 31-Jul-10

Then perhaps the destination pages should change colors. Just a suggestion. Also, Oli created the original UnNews main page to parody Wikinews' then layout of mid-2006, and we've had the same design since then (albeit with a few minor changes like the nav bar), so I was simply pointing out from a tradition standpoint that we can parody Wikinews and still have the UnNews main page be functional and retain the rest of UnNews' identity. Parodying Wikinews' layout wouldn't restrict or pressure anyone to alter their writing. In fact, the current subprojects UnNews has developed, and the UnNews house style which has evolved over time, give UnNews its identity and I would never favor changing any of that. --Hotadmin4u69 [TALK] 17:48 Jul 31 2010
I hope the work Zim and Spike is retained with modifications voted on by the community. And when it comes down to it, both of them have been responsible for maintaining at least a couple of news stories a day. I don't see the need to look like Wikipedia either, this site is five years old and needs to stand a bit more on its own two legs and run around a bit more. Just my own views. --LaurelsRomArtus*Imperator ® (Orate) 10:41, August 1, 2010 (UTC)

For a list of what's really a problem (to which you can of course add), now see Forum:UnNews problem statements‎. Spıke Ѧ 10:56 1-Aug-10 Also gave Olipro some detailed feedback on Beta on his talk page, and other viewers might pile on with more workable suggestions. Spıke Ѧ 11:44 1-Aug-10

Sense of the Newsroom to apply certain Gert5 changes to current Main Page?

I have resisted certain aspects of Gert5's opt3 model, the extra columns and inclusion of query result sets on the Front Page. I have also resisted the assertion of Olipro et al. that four years without a Reform argues for a Reform, and that fidelity with WikiNews is a criterion.

But Gert5 has done some work that now seems ready for application to the current Main Page:

  1. His {{InlineMedia}} template already adds a Speaker and "listen" to UnNews articles listed on the Uncyclopedia home page (in {{RecentUnNews}}). At the moment, I also use it in the synopsis of two of the featured articles (though there is no elegant way to notify {{Lead Tester}} that an UnNews story is accompanied by an audio).
  2. He has devised a way for an index to audios to include a link back to the text story. We should ask him to make the same change, a fourth argument to {{Newscast meta}}, to let every entry in the Recent UnNews Audio table ({{RecentUnNewsAudio}}) link back to the text story. This change complicates the task of installing an audio, but I am famously the only person burdened.
  3. A previous Front Page mock-up, I don't see it right now, used the show/hide mechanism on parts of the Front Page. I would like to see show/hide applied to certain boilerplate on the current UnNews Front Page:
    • The presentation of other projects of the Uncyclomedia Foundation
    • The list of UnNews analogs in other languages
    • The "War on Terra" list of recommended charities.

Does the Newsroom agree to ask Gert5 to apply changes 2 and 3 to UnNews:Main Page? Spıke Ѧ 23:54 7-Aug-10

Again you misinterpret the situation, I wasn't coming from that angle at all. I'm producing a beta page in the same style as last time, when I think it's ready I'll put it to a general vote as I did last time, nobody gets veto, least of all me, if it's voted in favour of adoption then it will become the new main page, if not, I'll seek to find out why not, resolve those discrepancies and hold a revote when *everyone else* is prepared to entertain one -- Prof. Olipro Icons-flag-gb KUN (W)Anchor Op Bur. (Harass) 00:08, August 8, 2010 (UTC)

Let me retract my mention of you to avoid the discussion of whether I was misstating your motives. But here, as in Forum:UnNews problem statements, you short-circuit my attempt to identify specific problems and solutions for the current UnNews framework, in order to promote your grand rewrite, your beta page, your vote, your re-vote. Why can we not solve anything until you have solved everything? Spıke Ѧ 17:16 14-Aug-10

UnNews:Paul the Octopus retires from retiring doesn't refresh on Front Page

I noticed my story on Paul the Octopus singing Frank Sinatra hasn't appeared on the news page list although it is contained in Category:20 August 2010. --LaurelsRomArtus*Imperator ® (Orate) 18:33, August 20, 2010 (UTC)

You're right; same, after clicking on Refresh; same, after I did token edits to first paragraph. I don't see how this can be. Wizards? Spıke Ѧ 18:45 20-Aug-10

People who don't like octopus jokes! Discrimination!! I was thinking of using Paul as a columnist for UnNews but this came to me today. Psychic animals all the rage - Australia have crocodiles to choose their prime minister this weekend. --LaurelsRomArtus*Imperator ® (Orate) 18:52, August 20, 2010 (UTC)

Hmm, elephants, I thought. Dexter once told me (regarding a new category for articles with narration) that sometimes categories were sticky and the system needed time to be aware that a page was in a category. Damned peculiar, though, and it doesn't usually happen to us. I see no coding problem on your page. (And with you, I always check twice!) I've had a separate mystery today getting {{InlineMedia}} to "see" a new UnNews Audio. Is this one of those days where the chipmunks are running too slowly on their treadmill? Spıke Ѧ 18:57 20-Aug-10
It took, finally, at about the time that the Chief rotated the feature articles on the Front Page. I see he has also, for the entire month of August, created files such as UnNews:20 August 2010 in parallel with the Categories, containing Dynamic Page Lists as Gert5 proposed recently. So far, though, the Front Page doesn't pick them up. Spıke Ѧ 21:28 20-Aug-10
Where is Zim BTW? Is he away? Am I still a messy coder Spike? I thought I had improved in that department but thanks for reminding me. I'll check one of your articles for the right stuff before I head off another flight of fancy or crash to earth like the Dodo.--LaurelsRomArtus*Imperator ® (Orate) 22:36, August 23, 2010 (UTC)

Zim and Spike?

I guess both of you must be away. Who else can keep the news page up to date when you're away? --LaurelsRomArtus*Imperator ® (Orate) 06:03, August 26, 2010 (UTC)

Well since neither of you added any further comments to this page, I guess the current News Room has closed down for now. --LaurelsRomArtus*Imperator ® (Orate) 07:31, August 31, 2010 (UTC)
Sorry, I've had other things on my mind, UnNews drama included. I am here, but as you know, not up to speed. Please do keep them coming if the mood strikes you. Cheers! Zimbuddha Rev. Zim (Talk) Get saved! 13:26, August 31, 2010 (UTC)
OK I understand Zim. --LaurelsRomArtus*Imperator ® (Orate) 10:47, September 1, 2010 (UTC)

Good news! The motor is sputtering! Zimbuddha Rev. Zim (Talk) Get saved! 01:23, September 3, 2010 (UTC)


UnNews:Cream the Rabbit Turns Into A Mutant

Contributors and hangers-on: Anon contributes the above article, and the surprising thing is that he did not upload the two cartoons but found them on Uncyclopedia and wove them into an UnNews. Certainly not based on news (more likely, on an episode of the cartoon); marginally reads like news; definitely offbeat; not quite funny. I think the thing that puts me off is that it ends with a request for the reader to help the article along, such as by providing more Tit. Should I take it to QVFD? Spıke Ѧ 21:27 2-Oct-10

Yes.--LaurelsRomArtus*Imperator ® (Orate) 21:42, October 12, 2010 (UTC)

Thanks for your opinion, with which the gods on QVFD agreed. Spıke Ѧ 09:44 13-Oct-10

Come back Zim!

You are our Lost Leader! --LaurelsRomArtus*Imperator ® (Orate) 15:46, October 20, 2010 (UTC)

In the meantime

Only Funnybony humps his articles on the Uncyclopedia home page by editing {{RecentUnNews}}, as covered in none of our employee manuals, because the original intention (see the archive of this page) was for Zim to pick just the best stuff. I have been enjoying rotating the leads on the UnNews Front Page and assembling a funny lead paragraph (as though y'all's sorry-assed initial paragraphs were any good--the humor in my stuff never starts until at least Paragraph 3), but I can't be bothered adding stuff to the home page. But there it is, if you want to. That is all. Spıke Ѧ 16:00 20-Oct-10

Italics in quotes

The September drama ended putting names of people and institutions in boldface in UnNews but left italic quotes to individual discretion. Right now on the front page, you see one highlighted article that doesn't use italics and two that do (plus two that don't have quotations in the lead paragraph). Does anyone other than me think the inconsistency looks sloppy? Should one or the other be mandated? Which do you prefer? Spıke Ѧ 12:07 24-Oct-10 post-edited

Probably have to put it to a vote Spike as per the redesign or throw it in the general forum. If no one makes a peep then I would second the change. Otherwise there will be Shakespeare to pay! --LaurelsRomArtus*Imperator ® (Orate) 06:41, October 25, 2010 (UTC)

Notable developments in October, 2010

formerly placed on the Foolitzer nominations page

  • In PF4Eva's third UnNews of the month (UnNews:"Ace of Bass" mistakenly invited to emcee charity gig), he cleaned up his language, did a cool shoop, and compelled Front-Page featuring for a headline from MiniTrue. We still have to convince him to read the real news wires for his material--though you can't blame him for not wanting to--but in the meantime, we dedicate the {{Original}} template to him for October. Spıke Ѧ 13:36 24-Oct-10
  • Newbie Corkmanamillion is already a serial offender in October, and is learning the ropes quickly. Keep an eye on him. Spıke Ѧ 01:35 8-Oct-10 PS--Um, and has vanished from the site completely since that writing. Ah! what modesty! Spıke Ѧ 13:38 24-Oct-10
  • My own Cabbage Trilogy, in which the economic news of the day for three days running was mapped to a theory that the cabbage would replace all the world's currency, was an interesting development on the page. Spıke Ѧ 01:35 8-Oct-10
  • The death of Paul the Octopus--an iconic staple of UnNews during the World Cup--was covered by his patron here, Romartus, and counterpointed by NaturalBornKieler, in a cameo appearance from our German counterpart. The two stories constituted another entertaining UnNews daytime serial. Spıke Ѧ 15:41 27-Oct-10
  • And the final event that turned UnNews assaults on reason into assault-and-battery: Funnybony's story on Election 2010 from the Obama viewpoint paired up well with an equally apocalyptic concept from Secret Agent from the Republican viewpoint, though I had mercy-moved it to his userspace for being more strident than funny. The latter was reworked and the pair now occupy side-to-side Front Page features like the Paul the Octopus point/counterpoint, with an accompanying UnNews Audio double-header: Election 2010, we distort, you decide. Secret Agent promises to continue submitting, this time to win laughs not votes. Spıke Ѧ 01:24 1-Nov-10

UnNews:Tommy Wiseau begins production on The Room 2

Not my cup of tea, but it is an UnNews, though its source should be {{Original}}, not some YouTube video, which I didn't check to see if it's real. Or is this all just a dirty joke for a worldwide audience? Spıke Ѧ 00:59 5-Nov-10

So people actually care about news about random people? ~ Pointy *shifty eyes* (talk) (stalk) -- 20101105 - 04:36 (UTC)

Welcome! Whether people care, is exactly what I'm asking. Spıke Ѧ 10:38 5-Nov-10

Oh... er... would they? *backs out slowly* ~ Pointy *shifty eyes* (talk) (stalk) -- 20101105 - 13:07 (UTC)

UnNewsroom Open Again?

I see Spike has got the editor's chair for the moment. Since the Great Zim hasn't come back, suggest Spike take control or general oversight of the page from now on? Or is this in Olipro's Sphere of Influence? --LaurelsRomArtus*Imperator ® (Orate) 14:58, November 16, 2010 (UTC)

I have always had this page under watch, and have used it to tout the efforts of new participants (above) and to seek opinions on questionable submissions. Last time (above) the silence was so deafening that I took Mrthejazz's story about an Area Gay man in the Gay Area to QVFD to get a second opinion; the wrong place, in retrospect, though I got two good counterpoints.
If "oversight of the page" means the Front Page, I have been laying out the Front Page for two months, but have not volunteered, and prefer not to be volunteered, for any firm commitment in view of how Management let the last guy twist slowly, slowly in the wind. Spıke Ѧ 01:10 17-Nov-10
So, er... what happened with all that? You're not the new chief, then? There... what happened? ~ Pointy *shifty eyes* (talk) (stalk) -- 20101117 - 01:30 (UTC)
You've spoken most recently with the "last guy." Ask him for an overview of recent events and he'll give you an earful that I could not outdo. He will use the word, Dickery. Spıke Ѧ 01:36 17-Nov-10
To do so would just... seem wrong, though. I mean... it just... *hides behind a dead plant* ~ Pointy *shifty eyes* (talk) (stalk) -- 20101117 - 01:40 (UTC)

Notable developments in November, 2010

I won the month's Foolie, pulling even with Funnybony, who continues to file near-daily dispatches. The voters left it to me to justify the award: "nominee has artfully laid out the Front Page, under the new five-feature format, with side-by-side point/counterpoints, such as on the passing of Paul the Octopus, to present adjacent articles on the "left wing" and "right wing" whether or not warranted, and then to juxtapose two stories that inexplicably digressed to Kraft Foods (whose stock nominee does not own). The Reverend recently told Mordillo it was a "bang-up job," though most of us would prefer he had given a simple, red-blooded, clenched-fist vow to regain his old position. Also, Funnybony has three of these awards, a fact that always makes things awkward in the UnNews lunchroom, or maybe it's just the liverwurst sandwiches he brings."

(This, and other material in this section, are from the Foolitzer nomination page, now archived.)

New contributor Fishalishalish hit the ground running with UnNews:SFPD puts large dent in Mexican toy cartel, a masterful blur of drug smuggling and the SF jihad against Happy Meals, UnNews:Alaskan senate race update: Everybody wins, a story with an actual punch line at the end, and UnNews:TSA needs more agents willing to grope elderly, the day's Front Page 1-spot. Based on news, reads like news, and demented, just the way I like 'em. Honorable mention to an end-of-month story morphing Obama's "freeze" of federal salaries into a decision to freeze Christmas.

The pinnacle was UnNews:Local author gives up on dream, a fine {{Original}}; though not based on news, it reads like a real human-interest story. ({{Original}} is too often used to excuse a piece that is neither based on anything nor relates to the reader--but this one certainly will.)

PS--This "human interest" story on the hapless next Great American Novelist was featured on 5-Dec-10 on the Uncyclopedia main page, one day after the featuring of UnNews:North Korea celebrates Miley's birthday, the fine job by Dexter111344 of casting the North Korean missile launch as an expression of pop-fan adulation. Is it a first to have two consecutive front-page stints from this department? Spıke Ѧ 13:39 6-Dec-10

User Secret Agent broke in with the Hitler/Obama shoop and came back with the obesity story. His first drafts read too much like serious opinion pieces. I tried coaching him to acquire more moves on the humor hardcourt, but he emptied his locker and went away.

User Scofield has filed several stories, mostly set inside a favorite video game or TV show, then with UnNews:"You Are Dead" coming to cinema, which pulled down the 1-spot on our Front Page. He told me he does subscribe to a national newspaper, and you can't blame him for finding nothing satire-worthy in it. Spıke Ѧ 00:38 1-Dec-10

Forum:Vote: Format of RecentUnNews

UnNews regulars, please vote or express an opinion on the format of the list of UnNews stories on the Uncyclopedia home page. Spıke Ѧ 13:32 6-Dec-10

Template:Lead 2.1

{{Lead 2.0}} is the common code called by our five Front Page features. Olipro locked this template and has not been on the site for a week. I've created {{Lead 2.1}} and am testing it in the 5-spot (lower right), which you'll notice is a little different from the other four. The changes:

  • Clicking the image used to take you to the story; now, it gives you the info page on the image, as in the old system. There is no separate "Image credit" legend to do this. Hovering over the image displays the name of the image.
  • There is a new "Full story»" legend at the end of the lead, as in the old system. It struck me that the extremely new might think the lead is all there is and not experiment with clicking on anything.
  • Although anyone can still edit any lead, the plus/minus symbol to make it dangerously easy for newbies is also gone.

Comments are welcome. Hearing none, I'll implement it fully in a couple of days. Spıke Ѧ 11:04 7-Dec-10


I modified this further to support all the story categories that 2.0 said it supported, including ORIGINAL, SPECIAL REPORT, EXCLUSIVE INTERVIEW, and URGENT. The graphics for these were never completed. I added EDITORIAL and COLUMN, the motivation being to give a special tag to PF4Eva's "editorial" on The Munsters. Consequently, the 1-spot now also uses the experimental new format.

PS--Later added type=feature (FRONT-PAGE FEATURE) for UnNewses that get FA. Spıke Ѧ 13:31 22-Dec-10

Turns out my new graphics (GIF files using the "Impact" font) scale down to the required size much more poorly than the one Olipro did in shadowed "Helvetica." The reason I tagged PF4Eva's story as a SPECIAL REPORT is that my EDITORIAL graphic looks even uglier. Anyone with better tools than I should feel free to fix this, for example by uploading over my graphics. Spıke Ѧ 18:01 7-Dec-10

I dunno, the 'image goes to the article' thing seems like a pretty good idea. People click on that expecting the news, not the image, no? If they want the image, a non-link-modified version is on the news bit itself... isn't it?
Used to be! What say everyone else? Is "image goes to the article" more intuitive? Would it help if the headline itself looked like a link?
And the images, if you tell me exactly what you want, I might be obliged to give a hand. But you'll have to say, because I'm too lazy to figure it out. I suspect part of the problem might be that you are, indeed, trying to use gifs, however. 1234 ~ 16px-Pointy 18:22, 7 December, 2010
GIFs are the only way I have to achieve transparency (although a white background might be fine for now). My new images, which suck, are: File:UnNewsORIGINAL.gif, File:UnNewsSPECIAL REPORT.gif, File:UnNewsEXCLUSIVE INTERVIEW.gif, File:UnNewsURGENT.gif, File:UnNewsEDITORIAL.gif, and File:UnNewsCOLUMN.gif. Again, I am not wedded to the Impact typeface, and the only one Olipro produced looked good in Helvetica. Spıke Ѧ 18:39 7-Dec-10
What about pngs? You're not trying to animate them, are you? Because that seems to be the only practical use of gifs these days, as most things still don't support animated pngs... also, that font is not very good - the spacing is off, the characters don't seem to be following consistent guides, and no anti-aliasing, in this day and age? Or was that just what the gif-ification did to it? Meh, I'll poke them. Is that all of them? I make no promises of consistency otherwise... 1234 ~ 16px-Pointy 19:47, 7 December, 2010
Thanks. They need not be perfectly consistent, as no more than one should appear on any Front Page at any time. Spıke Ѧ 19:59 7-Dec-10
Hold off--It looks like I can make transparent PNGs here (using IrfanView). The originals still don't have anti-aliasing, but when scaled down to Front Page size, they are just fine until Olipro returns home and feels like re-rendering them in Helvetica like the one he did. Spıke Ѧ 21:23 7-Dec-10
Out of curiosity, what program were you using that wouldn't make pngs? 1234 ~ 16px-Pointy 22:04, 7 December, 2010
Something that is probably before your time. Spıke Ѧ 22:05 7-Dec-10
Try me. 1234 ~ 16px-Pointy 03:43, 8 December, 2010
I think it all looks good. But having the picture go to the full article would be more like real news. Still, no complaints from me. Good on ya! Cheers!--Funnybony Icons-flag-th Agnideva-small.jpg AGT-logo-small.jpg 08:46, Dec 8

"Image goes to the article" is the consensus here, and I add one vote for Olipro et al. who made the change originally. But I won't restore the little "Image credits" legend at the bottom; if people want more details on the picture, they can go into the UnNews and click on the photo in the usual way. Spıke Ѧ 11:45 8-Dec-10

Sounds strangely logical. You never did answer my question, though... 1234 ~ 16px-Pointy 18:01, 8 December, 2010


originally in Uncyclopedia:VFH/UnNews:Doll takes the world by storm

Putting the {{Original}} template in a section at the end that is otherwise empty looks ugly. Sir SockySexy girls Mermaid with dolphin Tired Marilyn Monroe (talk) (stalk)Magnemite Icons-flag-be GUN SotM UotM PMotM UotY PotM WotM 13:01, 22 December 2010

That's our documented "right way" to code articles. (See UnNews:Style 2.2.) The Sources section is a peek through the veil at the real-world story that prompted the UnNews; when there is none, we want the author to say so. Should the template be centered? Smaller? Other suggestions? Spıke Ѧ 13:19 22-Dec-10
Put it at the very top. -- Kip > Talk Works Puzzle Potato Dry Brush CUN Icons-flag-us 13:31, Dec. 22, 2010

I just think it makes more sense to not create a section just to put a template in it. The template is pretty self-explanatory, so it doesn't necessitate a "Sources" section. Maybe put it next to the last paragraph so it doesn't create unnecessary whitespace. Or whatever looks good on the page. Sir SockySexy girls Mermaid with dolphin Tired Marilyn Monroe (talk) (stalk)Magnemite Icons-flag-be GUN SotM UotM PMotM UotY PotM WotM 13:53, 22 December 2010

Behold! (Nothing like whoring an Easter article at Christmas.) -- Kip > Talk Works Puzzle Potato Dry Brush CUN Icons-flag-us 13:56, Dec. 22, 2010

Not bad; I can live with doing it that way, although Sources is where you go to find out, "What's this based on?" and it's where we should tell people if it's based on nothing. Kip, the declaration that This article is based on nothing real probably shouldn't go up at the top; if an article reads like news, let's keep the buzz going until the reader gets curious.

Separately, I'd like to make the template less garish--but I'll wait for more input here. Spıke Ѧ 14:02 22-Dec-10

Oh, I wasn't serious with my first comment. I was just trying to be a dick. Meanwhile, I believe there should more than one. {{Original2}}, perhaps. I like the current one, and those who don't can use another one. CHOICE! FREEDOM! I'M A LIBERTARIAN! -- Kip > Talk Works Puzzle Potato Dry Brush CUN Icons-flag-us 14:06, Dec. 22, 2010
Multiple templates? This is a respected news source, dammit, not a park bench!!! Spıke Ѧ 14:09 22-Dec-10
Oh, I just saw this... you know you can always just build in more options to a single template, right? 1234 ~ 16px-Pointy 17:02, 1 January 2011

I did indeed shrink the template and make it use the same ORIGINAL graphic sometimes used on the Front Page. You're right, Lyrithya, and your comment has the added advantage of not proliferating templates. However, in this case there is no need for different articles to have different-looking {{Original}} templates, according to the author's tastes; when the poor reader is saying, "That's not how it looked last time! I wonder what it means that it's different now." ORIGINAL is one of those bricks in the wall that's always the same; the author has thousands of other ways to express himself. Spıke Ѧ 03:12 2-Jan-11

Statistics for December 2010

22 authors filed 61 UnNewses. Repeat offenders: Spike (18.5), Funnybony (15.5), PF4Eva (3), Romartus (3), Guildensternenstein (2), Matt lobster (2), Scofield (2). 49 stories got some play as a Front Page graphic.

Notable graphics:

UnNews Audios: Spike (19), NickLucas (2), Mordillo (1).


Featured on the Uncyclopedia main page: UnNews:Doors singer Jim Morrison wins profanity and exposure pardon and UnNews:Maria speaks to us by Kip the Dip; a couple are still pending.

There is more on the Foolitzer award page, which I have been told not to use as a "group hug," so the rest is here, safely out of the reach of prying eyes. 'Cause no one reads this; but UnNews correspondents are used to that. Thanks to all for a good month. Spıke Ѧ 16:58 1-Jan-11

January fun facts

The first four dispatches of the month are all from Australia. Spıke Ѧ 03:07 2-Jan-11

Yay, Australia! 1234 ~ 16px-Pointy 16:17, 28 January 2011
Yay, University of Wallamaloo Philosophy Department! Zimbuddha Rev. Zim (Talk) Get saved! 20:23, January 28, 2011 (UTC)

Forum:Rebirth of UnNews Audio

In which I celebrate the arrival/return of some new voices. Spıke Ѧ 02:24 21-Jan-11

Podcasts, resurrection and power

I have updated the podcast to include today's latest UnNews audio back through Jan 10 2011, and will add the remaining files going back to September of last year. After dying of justaposition atrophy late last year, I have been resurrected (by some sinister Old Cthonic God, I assume) and am now available on a limited basis for Uncyc users and readers to abuse, beg for admin help and pray for the intercession of zim_ulator's power in a dispute. I have been on IRC lately, and of course, am available by email or at my talk page. Cheers! Zimbuddha Rev. Zim (Talk) Get saved! 19:41, January 27, 2011 (UTC)

Done updating podcast page for the moment. Cheers! Zimbuddha Rev. Zim (Talk) Get saved! 05:30, January 28, 2011 (UTC)

UnNews will benefit from your return, your ban-stick, and your copious dispensing of kudos and templates, something I have always appreciated but have not been diligent about. Spıke Ѧ 16:32 28-Jan-11

Aw, you're always so sweet to me. Zimbuddha Rev. Zim (Talk) Get saved! 18:18, January 28, 2011 (UTC)


Should be 'British Prime Minister says..sorry for typo. --LaurelsRomArtus*Imperator ® (Orate) 16:51, January 29, 2011 (UTC)

Fixed. Zimbuddha Rev. Zim (Talk) Get saved! 20:38, January 29, 2011 (UTC)

Joe Biden

Conservative Laura Ingraham quotes Yahoo from two days ago, that Joe Biden has a problem with his treatment (shirtless, tattooed, and washing a hot rod) on the pages of The Onion.

Why the hell doesn't he have a problem with his treatment by US??? Who's on it? Spıke Ѧ 16:11 31-Jan-11

I'll be emailing the Office of the Vice President my dog shit article today. -- Kip > Talk Works Puzzle Potato Dry Brush CUN Icons-flag-us 16:15, Jan. 31, 2011

Statistics for January 2011

There were 92 UnNews stories and 54 got featuring on the Front Page. Leading contributors included Spike (15), Funnybony (10), Username18 (10), Romartus (6), Aleister in Chains (5), and Kip the Dip (5).

All of Username18's ten stories were in the first five days of the month, and his UnNews:Amnesty International unfriends Uganda and UnNews:Bin Laden captured after checking-in on Foursquare were Uncyclopedia Featured Articles--one each for his first two days on the site--earning him the month's Foolitzer Prize by acclamation with 10 votes. UnNews:Polls indicate Americans are terrified by Dexter111344 was also featured. UnNews:Congresswoman survives headshot (so far); Glock considers redesign by e|m|c spent a lot of time on VFH though its utter tastelessness had Admins sweating bullets.

UnNews Audio had contributions from Spike (14), NickJonesUSA (4), Zana Dark (2), and one each from Dexter111344 and SirIsaac. Spıke Ѧ 00:34 1-Feb-11

Egyptian unrest

We now have Cairo Bingo, as all five Front-Page features concern the situation in Egypt. Spıke Ѧ 22:19 2-Feb-11

Royal wedding

I see on the wires that the invitations to the Royal Wedding have been put in the post. I did not get one, and I am pretty sure that that scathing editorial I wrote is not the cause. Am wondering if anyone on the UnNews staff got invited. Could someone in our London office poll the other writers? If we have been shunned en masse, that would deserve a story. Spıke Ѧ 16:13 20-Feb-11

My invitation arrived today, on a silver platter. I will be allowed to watch it from a distance. Unofficially as this is a 'Peoples' Wedding', the hoi polloi can send representatives by lot. --LaurelsRomArtus*Imperator ® (Orate) 19:23, February 20, 2011 (UTC)

This is how we distinguish a "representative republic" like yours from a "democracy" like ours. Here, the common man can watch governance at the Capitol in Madison, Wisconsin; whereas the elected representatives can only follow it from a hotel room in Rockford, Illinois. Spıke Ѧ 19:39 20-Feb-11

UnNews:Republicans Cut Contraceptives for Women, Allow for Horses

Can I somehow change "Republicans Cut" to "Congress cuts" to fit the neutral tone? And fix the whole don't-capitalize-first-letter-of-words thing because I'm an idiot who proofread the story and not the title? ~ Humbuck Talk 23:13, February 24, 2011 (UTC)

Are you too new to have a move tab at the top of your screen? I have already renamed this UnNews, as I explain on your talk page. I endorse neutrality in headlines; tell me how you want it to read and I'll move it again. Spıke Ѧ 23:58 24-Feb-11
Aha, there is now a move tab. Thanks, ~ Humbuck Talk 00:55, February 25, 2011 (UTC)


May I offer the opinion that your UnNewses would be better if you work from the hard news rather than bloggers?

  • The joke in tonight's story from TheHumbucker is that the GOP is more interested in contraception for horses than for women (because it likes horses and hates women). This heavy lifting is totally done by the Huffington Post, even if our author can tell the story funnier.
  • And Aleister in Chains had a story yesterday based on the prankster who called the Wisconsin Governor claiming to be a millionaire libertarian backer. Now pranking Walker (or last year, Sarah Palin) doesn't prove that either is too dumb to be in office (though other things might); moreover, the assertion that Walker was gotten to say things "privately" at odds with his public stance (that is, he is a hypocrite) is only put forward by the pundits and is denied by the Governor's office.

I truly do not care which of our office-holders you ridicule. But when you use an opinion piece as your Source and merely add humor, you pass opinion off as fact (which is advocacy), and you may pass off a partisan's ridicule of his adversaries as your own punch line (which is stealing). I would find it more clever if you started from as neutral a source as you can find and crack your own jokes. Spıke Ѧ 00:28 25-Feb-11

PS--In an advocacy problem not owing to choice of Source, GlobalTourniquet wrote yesterday's story in the 1-Spot about the oddity that several countries moved toward democracy without the technique of a foreign occupation. With wording such as "forgo the illegal-invasion-by-a-foreign-imperialist-superpower option," he tells us exactly what he thinks of the Iraq occupation, for instance, an injection of advocacy that interferes with the humor, especially with people who either don't agree that it was illegal or have to slow down and ponder what illegality has to do with the joke. (Answer: nothing.) I explained this to him on the way to editing the headline, but left the advocacy in the text. Spıke Ѧ 00:34 25-Feb-11

Granted and agreed. However, Counter-thought: Ballooning advocacy into absurdity. Example: A left-leaning blogger says Republicans are asses because they don't spend money. An UnNews article appears centered on the interview of a prominent Republican leader who "woke up one morning to find he'd been turned into an enormous ass," and the interview reveals that this had happened because he shortchanged a witch at the local 7-11. Imagine that story, except written more ridiculously, more funnily, and less shittily. Moral of the story: Advocacy gets accepted as fact by taking it as a source, and then made to look absurd by taking it as a fact. (Side-thought: This doesn't defend my "horse contraception" piece at all because I didn't use this technique while writing it) ~ Humbuck Talk 01:37, February 25, 2011 (UTC)

That would work. What Arianna says is in the public record. What Arianna concludes, though, is Arianna's, and UnNewses ought not work from them. Repeating a comment I made to someone before you arrived: Romartus got a good dig in at Sarah Palin a couple months ago based on her momentary confusion as to which Korea is our ally--UnNews:North Korea welcomes Sarah Palin's support--but I felt the need to add a couple sentences of background, to convert it from a seeming cheap shot based on advocacy, to a direct leap from something she herself said. Spıke Ѧ 01:44 25-Feb-11

UnNews:Irish PM Kelly to repay national debt with charm

Hi Spike. Can correct my headline typo 'of' to 'off'? Thanks. --LaurelsRomArtus*Imperator ® (Orate) 14:58, March 1, 2011 (UTC)

All-but-interim-Admin Ms. Radar O'Riley beat me to it, though I'll go again to mince some words (as shown above). You can rename articles yourself, but should then go to QVFD to beg an admin to delete the redirect. It's six of one and half a dozen of the other. Spıke Ѧ 18:01 1-Mar-11
Sorry, I'll stop doing that. 1234 ~ 16px-Pointy 18:07, 1 March 2011
No harm done at all! anyone with Rollback/Rename could satisfy Romartus's request, though as I say, he could have done it himself with no added complexity. Spıke Ѧ 18:12 1-Mar-11
Thanks Lyrithya and Spike. --LaurelsRomArtus*Imperator ® (Orate) 19:46, March 1, 2011 (UTC)

Statistics for February 2011

There were 76 UnNewses and 47 got featuring on the Front Page. Top contributors were Funnybony (14), Spike (7, plus 4 saves), Dexter111344 (4, plus 1 save), Romartus (4), Rpm (4), and new finds TheHumbucker (3), JelloMold (2), and JackOfSpades (2). Non-newbie Aleister in Chains also had 2.

There were 11 UnNews Audios by Spike, plus a collaboration of Dexter111344 and Mrthejazz. Spıke Ѧ 00:44 2-Mar-11

What happened to some of the stars of January like Username18? Flashed across the UnNews heavens like passing comets...perhaps they'll come back and orbit closer to the twin suns of the Spike-Zim binary system. --LaurelsRomArtus*Imperator ® (Orate) 06:57, March 2, 2011 (UTC)

UnNews:Michigan supreme court votes in favor of rapper

This wire story needs to be rendered as an UnNews. In rap. Where my homies? Spıke Ѧ 20:27 19-Mar-11

Is this the important? Last time I rapped I was mugged by street urchins, so my skills in that fine field of ryme haven't been tested lately. Aleister 23:14 19-3-'11

Not tested lately? Today's the day! Spıke Ѧ 23:16 19-Mar-11

No, no, a thousand times no. Aleister 23:20 19-3-'11
Yes, yes, a thousand times yes. Hopefully ready for tomorrow. ~ Humbuck Talk 23:30, March 19, 2011 (UTC)
Did you really mean Yes! Yes! A thousand times yes!? Aleister 23:35
No, there are only 984 yeses there. I'm slightly more emphatic. ~ Humbuck Talk 23:40, March 19, 2011 (UTC)
Who's doing the audio for this? ~ Humbuck Talk 04:52, March 20, 2011 (UTC)

Michigan supreme court votes in favor of rapper is up and proof that I'm white. ~ Humbuck Talk 04:08, March 21, 2011 (UTC)

Tone it down

To today's UnNews authors: Your works will do a better job at superficially resembling news articles if you keep them from dripping with scorn. I don't care if you think that Bush was "warmongering" or that Terry Jones is a "moronic...dimwitted 'saint,'" but lead your reader to that conclusion with your presentation of the "facts"--don't state it for him. Spıke Ѧ 11:00 4-Apr-11

And, yes, I was guilty of the same thing in the headline UnNews:Afghan nut-jobs react to Florida nut-jobs; 12 dead‎. Spıke Ѧ 12:38 4-Apr-11


AWACS? Is UnNews turning into Conservapedia where British English is now ideologically suspect?? Hmmmm...hmmmmm..hurrumph...funny, Under User objected when I changed some of his grammar on the grounds of Americanisms today for UnBooks:The_Revelations_of_St_John_the_Divine_of_Woking...Ok...UnNews should now be written in Esperanto....--LaurelsRomArtus*Imperator ® (Orate) 21:32, April 5, 2011 (UTC)

I had to add a hyphen to the headline anyway. As explained in the Change Summary, I switched to American grammar and spelling because everyone knows that NATO is a wholly-owned subsidiary of the U.S. Spıke Ѧ 22:40 5-Apr-11

Libya thingies

Someone should write an UnNews on how Obama went into the war because he's really just Europe's bitch. And Americans must be really imaginative if they think the war has anything to do with oil. Sir SockySexy girls Mermaid with dolphin Tired Marilyn Monroe (talk) (stalk)Magnemite Icons-flag-be GUN SotM UotM PMotM UotY PotM WotM 21:46, 5 April 2011

Funny, I haven't heard anyone talk about war-for-oil since Dubya vacated the premises. Spıke Ѧ 22:40 5-Apr-11

Just Google "oil libya war obama" and you'll be blown away. By citizen protecting bombs, that is. Sir SockySexy girls Mermaid with dolphin Tired Marilyn Monroe (talk) (stalk)Magnemite Icons-flag-be GUN SotM UotM PMotM UotY PotM WotM 22:47, 5 April 2011

As above, however, I'm on this site to write funny stuff--serious advocacy I do elsewhere--and such writing on the above themes as I'd do here would be so indistinguishable from real blogs (and the more outrageous you wrote it, the less distinguishable it would be) as to make the reader wonder what I was trying to sell him. Spıke Ѧ 23:03 5-Apr-11

Statistics for March 2011

There were 95 UnNewses and 49 got featuring on the Front Page. Top contributors were Funnybony (17), Spike (15, but I tie Funnybony if you give me half credit for salvaging two of his stories), TheHumbucker (12 and the month's Foolitzer by acclamation), Romartus (8, counting one save of Anon), Aleister in Chains (4), Ptok-Bentoniczny (4), PF4Eva (3), and two each from Bias, ImNotASunbeam, and Lantash. The interestingly named Assholeism101 got two mercy-moves in the month, but he has since insinuated a story into the service, and is elsewhere suspected of submitting another during April under an assumed name.

There were 13 UnNews Audios by Spike, compared to none by anyone else--winning me my 13th Manny by near-total apathy--although several people had been certain they could do (street) justice to TheHumbucker's UnNews:Michigan supreme court votes in favor of rapper, a rap gig that is still available to one or multiple artists and might be remarkable. Spıke Ѧ 23:39 5-Apr-11

UnNews is not "ruined"

Kevillips argued to the contrary to save an article from VFD, and recants; moved here from User talk:SPIKE not to publish his apology but my response

My statement that UnNews was "ruined" was out of line. I have a strong preference toward absurd "could be true" news items, and they tend to fill up my head. The current UnNews is so superior to the one I found in 2005, I cannot put to words how humble I am that I suggested otherwise. My own insecurities on being edited and misunderstood, often taint my rational thought process. I am stuck with an inflated sense of self, that I try to temper.

From now on, I will strive to take real honest criticism as such, honesty. I cannot explain why I feel you are always fighting me. I suspect we are slightly out of faze. Which is good because it can create perspective.

Regarding my verbose minitrue about NATO and NAFTA, you shortened it and it works very well. My longer version was simply trying to include something about Canada as well as Mexico to give equal time to the common complaints on NAFTA. But calling it a "Manifesto" suggests I had an agenda beyond the simple alphabet soup humor of acronyms that were intended. With all the corporate mergers involving them AT&T/T-Mobile (ok maybe all the is a bit overblown) I got to thinking of the anti-NAFTA rhetoric I hear so much. I am actually pro NAFTA to the point I get in bar fights over defending it, and call upon the words of Elizabeth the first in its defense. But I digress.

May I just end by saying, I am sorry if I hurt your feelings. Lez Be Friends. Kay? PS I can make this more public than it already is, considering how many people read other people's talk pages --K3vin-Yak-Bak MUN,CM,NS 17:01, April 5, 2011 (UTC)

I, for one, never read other people's talk pages. Pro-NAFTA? Put up your dukes, Kevin. And alwsys remember that SPIKE is like an even more right-wing Michele Bachmann, and judge his edits to your pages accordion-ly. Although your praise of SPIKE is well deserved. Aleister 17:05 5-4-'11

So says the poster child --K3vin-Yak-Bak MUN,CM,NS 17:20, April 5, 2011 (UTC)

Thanks for your praise of UnNews. Since I stepped in for the vacationing Zim ulator last September, my goal has been to make the Front Page a credible alternative to that other site inexplicably named for a vegetable.
My stated bias toward UnNewses that derive from some aspect of real news is because I am interested in amusing the reader (who presumably visited the page because he is interested in news) rather than letting the author amuse himself. What it means is that I am less likely to prepare a Front-Page graphic for off-the-wall stories--especially compared to Zim--not that you aren't welcome to write them. We have a good one today on a Japanese, radiation-caused time-warp, which I copy-edited but am not going to feature. The three-in-one-week that I tried to get huffed (including the Testicle UnNews) had nothing to do with news at all but were first-person essays that someone wanted to hump by getting instantly listed in our Recent news column, in one case possibly trolling us. They kept UnNews from superficially resembling the news.
I am a libertarian-conservative (and think Bachmann is great, no matter where she thinks Concord is[1]). My UnNewses try to be down-the-middle, such as today's UnNews:Obama cites animal rights for Libya move, where the Democrat is justifying the immoral and the Republican is replying by doing the ineffective. Officially, I do not care which side you ridicule, but make it look like news and not impart your biases to the reporter--see above.
I viewed your "UnNews is ruined" as one of a variety of extreme things you wrote to try to save your articles, less preposterous than the claim that Southerners could keep from being called racists by you, by adopting your positions. Even before reading that, I viewed the Red State collection as an attempt to retell the story of the "stolen" 2000 election (just don't ask the New York Times) with the motif that any region that voted for Bush is racist. I will view any revision with an open mind but will be looking for hints that you are still trying to document a political grudge rather than write funny stuff. Vilification of a political adversary, again, is somewhere between unfunny and trite, because a hundred political blogs write exactly the same thing in all seriousness--especially when there are so many better ways to ridicule Bush, such as all the cases in which he failed even to achieve what he set out to do.
Aleister is an anti-corporate extreme leftist, whom I imagine is on Britain's version of Permanently Unable to Work, except for us for free; I respect his opinion on many aspects of writing, but not at all on ideological balance of an article. It is possible that his rant in defense of Red State was an attempt to amuse us by being a caricature of himself, but it doesn't work when you can't tell it from the real thing. Spıke Ѧ 17:39 5-Apr-11

Saying UnNews was ruined was a loaded way of saying, I was used to the wild wild west of old, when no one cared and crap could fill the front page if someone knew how to edit it. I committed the first error of reply, type -send - think Should I strike it out? cause I will I don't believe it is ruined. I said that to more illustrate the newer hands on approach to editing, which as sometimes described egotist, I am not used to. I am pretty sure we are closer politically than you think.

For the record, I did not think the election was stolen, I continue to refer it to the great civics lesson, because I believe more people learned about the EC that year than all the 10th graders in the world. I was a college republican during the Reagan era, Highly libertarian. But I was also very live and let live when it comes to privacy. I am deeply religious but anti-church-as-business. In debate setting, I naturally side with the weaker argument. I spent a great deal of energy arguing FOR FSM on wikipedia from a Freedom of Religion perspective. --K3vin-Yak-Bak MUN,CM,NS 17:59, April 5, 2011 (UTC)

  1. But I even got made sport of her in UnNews:US advances cyber-warfare.

Extra: Another air traffic controller falls asleep on the job

Air traffic controller

This one isn't asleep either.

I am sure one of the UnNews hounds can think of several ways to make the job of controller more exciting and write an article claiming that Obama and/or Boehner came up with it. Spıke Ѧ 17:21 14-Apr-11

If only I knew who those were... 1234 ~ 16px-Pointy 02:00, 15 April 2011
I'll see about doing it, once I get my other idea out of my fat skull.--User:Jokerman/sig 02:12, April 15, 2011 (UTC)

Lyrithya, I can give you help with "who those were" if you have an idea for spicing up the job of air traffic controller and can parlay it into an UnNews. Jokerman, the other idea is obviously out. Spıke Ѧ 01:27 17-Apr-11

I don't suppose you'd appreciate if my 'spicing up' of it turned out to involve fanged hams... 1234 ~ 16px-Pointy 02:07, 17 April 2011

It sounds rather random, though my only take on it right now is to put a little Bare Tit on that green screen of his to keep him perked up. But if you're going to take the scoop, you'll do it your way. Spıke Ѧ 02:13 17-Apr-11

UnNews Audio progress

I've rerecorded the UnNews Audio trailer. Nick asked, only three months ago, that I reduce the modulation, and I gradually turned down the volume, except in the recorded finale. So that's done now. I haven't re-recorded the Thursday-through-Saturday version that advises listeners to check local listings for the UnNews magazine, UnNews:Last Week in the Mirror, which there never was one of, anyway, so that version is toast. Spıke Ѧ 01:27 17-Apr-11

Just wondering, where do you record these things?--User:Jokerman/sig 01:32, April 17, 2011 (UTC)

At home; you see, I own a microphone. You may wish to read User:SPIKE/UnNews#Format--after, of course, you finish your story. Spıke Ѧ 01:44 17-Apr-11

Very interesting. You're the only one doing them. You won a bajillion awards too.--User:Jokerman/sig 01:56, April 17, 2011 (UTC)

Some months that isn't true. Not that your own vote for this month's award wouldn't help, though of course I'd expect you to listen to one before voting. Spıke Ѧ 02:07 17-Apr-11

Playboy Mansion illness traced to hot tub bacteria

CLEAR PAGE ONE! (Oh, that's right, we only have one page.) Bacteria have been found in the hot tub at the Hefner Mansion! Who'da thunk it? Who's on this one? Spıke Ѧ 14:52 17-Apr-11

We're under attack! We're under attack!!

Spike...time to retreat into the mountains:-

--LaurelsRomArtus*Imperator ® (Orate) 12:11, April 20, 2011 (UTC)

Gawd! Could the U.S. Federal Trade Commission act against UnNews for endangering health and welfare with thinly veiled, ultra-realistic fake news that undercuts the federal effort toward healthy diets? LET'S MOVE! Spıke Ѧ 13:10 20-Apr-11

GUYS! QUICK! Come look!

  • shock picture*

Okay. Joking aside, ED (Encyclopedia Dramatica) is *DEAD*. As in, someone actually RAPED AND MURDERED IT in its own bloody, polluted butt. My writing skills are not that good, so I need someone to report on this fantastic/mournful story.

Rejoice or despair? Are we the Internet's only hope now? --BoctorRodotnik 09:26, April 21, 2011 (UTC)

On it. Should be up be the end of the day. ~ Humbuck Talk 13:57, 21 April 2011 (UTC)

Spotlight on better uniforms for female GIs

An Army "committee on women's issues"? New, redesigned uniforms? Where are the sequins? The taffeta and lace? The politicians claiming there will be no problem with women in combat if I just wave my hand and make it so? The Tea Party claiming equality of the sexes is the end of America? How about a camouflage birkka so that women shooting Arabs can comply with their religious codes? Hundreds of comedy hooks here--Who's on it? And why doesn't this God-damned page have a + tab? Spıke Ѧ 13:07 22-Apr-11

Definitely cues my interest. I'll get on it right after I post the ED story later today. ~ Humbuck Talk 16:19, 22 April 2011 (UTC)
This isn't a talkpage. That's why. 1234 ~ 16px-Pointy 16:56, 22 April 2011
Well, it does have a + tab now. Spıke Ѧ 00:48 24-Apr-11
Cheater. 1234 ~ 16px-Pointy 01:39, 24 April 2011

iPad location tracking

Apple Computer's press release today about iPads' location-tracking of customers (follow the link to Minyanville's story, which contains the whole press release, which it calls "arrogant") is of interest to on-line readers and offers an entrée to a cynical take on corporate advertising. (An ad for insurance would work better if the pop-up said it was "of special interest to people sitting at the Cupertino Starbuck's right now." We aren't tracking where you are. We are merely tracking where the radio antennas around you are.) Any takers? Spıke Ѧ 14:40 27-Apr-11