UnNews:Newspaper makes all sections more appealing
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
Newspaper makes all sections more appealing
Straight talk, from straight faces
Friday, October 28, 2016, 04:43:UTC)(
5 November 2006
MELBOURNE, Australia, GNN (GOANNA NEWS NETWORK) -- MELBOURNE newspaper The Daily Picayune Concern has made all of its lift-out sections more appealing to readers by ensuring that each of them has a fair bit of all the other ones in it.
"The first thing I noticed when I took up this position was that the TV and radio guide was almost entirely devoted to TV and radio, and the food and wine guide was almost entirely devoted to food and wine," said incoming editor Phineas Farsight, who enjoyed a long career as a junior copy-editor at South Australian Ferret Racing Monthly before taking up his prestigious post.
As a result of Farsight's revolutionary overhaul of the venerable title, the popular TV and radio section will now feature regular cover stories on weekend bed-and-breakfast getaways, along with fashion photo spreads and restaurant reviews.
The motoring section will be spiced up by the addition of celebrity gossip, irreverant film reviews and personal ads placed free of charge by persons seeking non-homosexual sex, while the real estate section will feature a seven-day TV guide and a "cut-out-and-keep" eight-day recipe guide to making "tacos" using baked beans and toast.
The cornerstone of each section will be an "If You Only Do Seven Things Today" kind of list of six to eight things you are never likely to do, such as go and see a photo exhibition about Armenians at the government Immigration Museum under the overpass near that shitty new wine bar that used to be the old Waterside Workers' Hotel. (I think that's where it is).
Veteran Picayune Concern investigative journalist Wally Shoeleather, whose award-winning reportage has brought down several governments at home and abroad but who has now been reassigned to the new gardening column in the sports section, said "Honestly, I fucking give up. But I'll stay here until I can get another job. Actually, that's my call waiting going off -- it might be him now."