|This article is part of UnNews||Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?|
1 December 2008
WASHINGTON, DC: A recently released White House press statement announcing that the official declaration of an economic recession, as well as the suffering stock market had all been one "gigantic practical joke" somehow managed to strike very few people as particularly funny.
Earlier today, President Bush announced that the recession and economic downturns had all been craftily organized by his administration to play "one huge prank" on the American populace. Nearly overcome by his own laughter, the President managed to blurt out, "Boy, we got all of you real good," before doubling over the podium, unable to cease laughing.
However, the President managed to calm himself after noticing the shock on most of the faces in his White House audience.
"What," he asked. "Didn't you guys find that funny? Oh, come on. Think about how hard this was to pull off! Surely, it deserves at least a chuckle."
Needless to say, the members of the press were less than amused.
President Bush's face fell further, slowly beginning to realize that his wacky antics that made him such a comedic touchstone were no longer working. "You know," he said, "if someone managed to scare an entire nation into thinking there was a huge economic downturn and that they'd have to start saving every possible penny they had on TV, you'd all think it was hilarious."
After a further stretch of silence, President Bush gathered himself up and quietly excused himself.
The gathered audience remained motionless and quiet, until one man finally spoke up, his voice piercing the cool silence that had gathered: "I lost everything over this."
He continued, "I... I'm going to kill him. I swear to God."
After a moment, he finished, concluding in a stunned voice, "Just... kill him."
The stunned man regained his composure, and instead of death threats he resorted to a much craftier way of revenge. Following Bush throughout the world, he found his window of opportunity at a conference in Iraq. As Bush left the man promptly threw his shoe at him. Finding no satisfaction with just one shot, he took aim, and threw the other. He declined our interviewers stating, "No Comment.".