UnNews:News runs out
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News runs out
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Wednesday, April 26, 2017, 18:00:UTC)(
29 June 2009
EARTH -- Earth has run out of news following a month of dramatic events, including the Iranian elections, the ensuing fallout, a massive DC metro crash, South Carolina governor Mark Sanford's disappearance, attempted health care reforms, a climate change bill, the death of David Carradine, Farrah Fawcett, Ed McMahon, Michael Jackson, and Billy Mays, the Grim Reaper's suicide, Jon and Kate's divorce, a military revolution in Honduras, gay pride marches commemorating the Stonewall riot, an end to the Tamil Tiger insurrection in Sri Lanka, General Motors and Eddie Bauer filing for bankruptcy, George Tiller's murder, a shooting at the United States Holocaust Museum, the new iPhone, Google's banning in China, an upheaval in British Parliament, the unveiling of Project Natal, swine flu outbreaks, Air France Flight 447's massive crash, the results of the Stanley Cup and NBA Finals, and the box office-smashing release of Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen.
The recent influx of world-shatteringly huge news stories has depleted Earth's strategic supply of news. The effects may be irreversible.
"Seriously," Earth explained in a prepared statement, "what the fuck have you guys been doing? I leave for one month and you manage to totally reshape my geopolitical structure, kill off almost every notable celebrity from the past three decades, spread a pandemic, shake up the world's corporate structure, release groundbreaking new technology, and instigate a possible right-wing extremism uprising. Holy shit. Really."
In early June 2009, humanity began strip-mining the planet's news mines in search of a killer story to make up for April and May's disturbing lull in interesting stories. Not realizing their penchant for greed, corporate media tapped a massive news vein running through the Himalayas, causing a massive cave-in and throwing off the global balance of news. Eruptions of molten newsflow appeared across the world, spreading momentous developments and celebrity gossip across America's East and West Coasts. The impending newsquakes, newsicanes, and newscanos ravaged the world's landscape, depleting Earth's news in a massive natural newsaster.
"I'm really sorry about this," Earth continued. "But you guys have tapped my news supply completely dry. I'm afraid nothing can ever happen again." Earth continued to predict the eventual heat death of the universe, which may be discontinued in the event that news has truly ended.
Researchers in Montana have begun work on an alternative news source, though the end of the media may prevent its discovery from ever being announced. It is predicted that this new news source will be the medium through which its invention is released.
Earth predicts a complete discontinuation of news at approximately 2:00 AM EST. UnNews will continue reporting on these developments unti