News photographer in slapstick related accident
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Thursday, April 28, 2016, 22:18:UTC)(
20 May 2008
Provo, Utah In one of the most hilarious news events of recent times, a news photographer was accidentally speared through the leg at a Utah high school sports day.
Sources at the scene say that he inadvertently positioned himself and his camera in a restricted area. However, top forensic FUNsaminers believe that the story is more complicated.
"We believe that the trouble began when the photographer dropped his camera in a yard containing a fierce dog," said forensic technician and CSI:Crazytown star Doc Wacky. '"Attempting to retrieve the camera with a loop of string was foiled when the string caught on the dog's collar. At this point, a cat appeared on the fence, and the dog chased it for three blocks, dragging the poor photographer all the way. The photographer managed to disentangle himself on the sport field, then stood up, dusted himself down, said something like "Whew that was close!" and was then struck in the leg by the javelin."
This interpretation of events has been disputed by Provo school authorities.
"Look, it was a simple accident," said the javelin coach, Mr. Hill. "The photographer was about to take a photo, when he was distracted by an attractive woman with large breasts. He then accidentally dropped his lens cap down the front of her dress as she walked off, oblivious. He then had to find some way of extracting the lens cap without looking awkward, or appearing to feel up this lady. I lost sight of him for a while, as the pretty lady found herself surrounded by admirers, but when the people surrounding her suddenly moved away, everyone could see him sitting on the ground and reaching up this woman's blouse. At this point her irate husband appeared and chased him onto the javelin range and, well, you know the rest.
The photographer in question denies both of these suggestions.
"I guess I was just at the wrong place at the wrong time," he said. "All I was doing was trying to take a photo from the school's clock tower, when I lost my footing and found myself dangling from the minute hand. As the hand moved downwards, I found myself slipping, so I called for help. Fortunately, an itinerant Italian balloon vendor heard my cries, and let go of his bunch of balloons. Grabbing on, I hoped to float gently to the ground, but found myself being carried away instead. As luck would have it, some guys from the javelin team saw this happening, and helped out by popping the balloons one by one with their javelins. Unfortunately, one of the javelins struck me in the leg. So you see..."
Unfortunately, the photographer was beheaded by a discus before he could complete this sentence.