UnNews:News day found to be slow, Media plans to abort it

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News day found to be slow, Media plans to abort it

Democracy Dies with Dignity

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Friday, August 18, 2017, 18:39:59 (UTC)

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7 June 2015

NEW YORK, New York -- The New York Times and other major news agencies have decided that since nothing newsworthy seems to be happening, that today should be cancelled.

Nobody got murdered today. No one decapitated themselves or bled to death from stupid accidents that would qualify for a FAIL vlog video on YouTube. ISIS didn't feel like bombing any enemy stronghold today, and decided to give their soldiers the day off.

Kim Kardashian is not baring her yabbos before any cameras, Caitlyn Jenner is giving her surgical implants a much-needed break, and Justin Bieber didn't get arrested for anything, nor did he stick his penis in anybody or anything disgusting.

The legislature is on holiday, and no one is dissatisfied with their lives enough to protest anything in front of the legislative building. Everyone feels convinced that their own shitty lives are their own fault.

The weather is fair. There have been no earthquakes, tsunamis, hurricanes, or tornadoes reported. Farms have been able to grow their crops and there has been enough rain this season to keep water levels up to par in California. All temperatures are at seasonal levels. In fact, we are on track toward the most average weather on record. according to Jake Bitumen at the National Extreme Weather Centre in Boulder, Colorado.

Nobody won the lottery, and no celebrity came out to say anything stupid about religion, politics or science.

In sports, all the teams were tied, and the wrestlers of the WWF all joined hands and sung Kumbayah together at Madison Square Garden. Wrestling fans holding tickets and expecting fights to happen, left instead feeling warm and fuzzy all over. Said Jakobe Jamal, a wrestling fan: "It just left me feeling so much hope for humanity that I don't have the heart to get angry at them, to tell them they just ripped me off of a 60-dollar ticket just so I could see them hold hands and be nice to each other. It was very touching and moving".

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