UnNews:Newly Discovered Particle is a "Game-Changer"
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Newly Discovered Particle is a "Game-Changer"
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Saturday, January 20, 2018, 10:54:UTC)(
10 November 2017
JUI, Sierra Leone -- Distinguished graduate students of Sierra Leone's Evangelical College of Theology, an institution recently nominated for placement in the US News list of Top 10 Research Schools Worldwide, have announced the discovery of an additional particle in the Standard Model, the "phlogiston". According to the study, the existence of the phlogiston is most likely the ultimate "icing on the cake" for the entire academic discipline of Physics, as it will provide a definite path towards the establishment of a final Theory of Everything. A Theory of Everything, in the words of Alchemical Physicist Lance Armstrong, is defined as "when we can finally connect Newtonian physics with quantum mechanics; in other words, reassure ourselves that Heisenberg and Bohr weren't overly hyped precursors to the modern day Huffington Post editor." "After we performed a selection of complex textbook word problems involving first names hardly any literate individual can pronounce, in addition to finally memorizing the 12's times table and grasping the principles of long division, we were able to procure a model for the quantum spin, chirality, and helicity of the phlogiston," quotes student Marissa Powell. If the calculations are correct, phlogistons will be proven to be the basic force behind gravity, completely debunking German-Jewish scientist Albert Einstein's Theory of Relativity. Local Neo-Nazi groups celebrated for two nights straight, complete with lemon cake, Disney-Princess themed party favours, and homemade pyrotechnics, as has been reported by the Jui Chronicle.
Yet with the lack of a functioning particle accelerator in the institution's single British Airways economy class-sized laboratory, in addition to the College's reported total endowment of 3 US Dollars, skeptics continue to raise concerns over the study's validity.
"This spoof of a research paper is preposterous and, frankly, insulting", responded former CERN engineer Dr. Mercola, "any skilled mathematician knows memorizing the 12s times table is a complete waste of time. It's the 10's times table that determines elementary quantum elasticity" Still, the physics community remains open to the reviewing of proposals of all levels of pseudoscience, from Planet Nibiru warnings to DSM diagnoses, following CERN's claim in last week's press release that the universe does not, actually, exist.
Other professionals representing multifarious laboratories, academic programs, think-tanks, and scientific publishing companies from around the globe have gathered in mutual protest amongst the release of this study, proclaiming that the conclusion of a final Theory of Everything is simply "bad for business", while millions of theoreticians will face unemployment as speculation becomes obsolete.
Still, further investigation, and thereby verbally violent debate, will be required before the phlogiston becomes one more obscure term high school science students will be forced to memorize, write a report on, download to the Google drive, lose, find, lose, find again, save to a flash drive, type a 3-minute PowerPoint on, study, be examined on, and subsequently forget about for the remainder of their pathetic, debt saturated lives.