|This article is part of UnNews||We distort, you deride|
19 August 2007
INDIANAPOLIS, indiana -- American football fans expect more excitement than ever as the beginning of this year's College football season approaches. This is due to a new rule of the game enacted in March by the NCAA, that allows football players to shoot each other in the head with pistols during gameplay.
This change of rules was one of several enacted by the NCAA in an attempt to keep the game moving, and keep the energy level of fans high. Some people have already spoken out against this new rule in protest, calling it "an invitation for football players to slaughter each other," to which the NCAA responds: "No it isn't."
Dave Parry, a representative of the football branch of the NCAA, believes the response to this rule change will be a positive one. "It will create a little more excitement, and we'll get a little more movement of the ball. We do believe it will eliminate some touchbacks. This will be pleasing to the fans."
"We do of course know that you have a tendency to get more injuries on a special teams play where you have players with guns," says a safety official at the NCAA, "However, I think we need to reserve judgment until we have gameplay data."
Now, all football players will be given medium-sized pistols before a game begins. Shooting someone in the head is considered a defensive move. If a player shoots an official in the head, there will be a 15 yard penalty.
"Some say that shooting a football player in the head would kill them," says a medical expert, "But this isn't true. The fact is, most football players wear helmets, so a bullet to the head would likely decelerate before entering the skull. Also, most football players have a very small brain, if they have one at all, so a bullet to the head would likely miss their brain completely. I'd just tape their skull back together with some duct tape, give them a bit of medicine, and send them right back out on to the field."
National Rifle Association President Charlton Heston was unavailable for comment.
- Cliff Brunt "Kickoffs from 30-yard line could create more returns, injuries". Yahoo News, August 16, 2007