UnNews:New report suggests we knowingly have sex
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New report suggests we knowingly have sex
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Sunday, August 30, 2015, 23:15:UTC)(
11 July 2012
NEW YORK, USA -- Nuns don't but I do, you do but grandma doesn't. What am I talking about? I am stating the facts that Nun's don't wear tee shirts and grandma doesn't have teeth. If you straight away thought of sex then you are just like me, normal - apparently.
A new report by a leading Psychiatrist, Dr. Chris Morgan, suggests we knowingly have sex with other people we aren't married to. We are aware of driving to a motel, checking in under a different name, taking clothes off and dumping them on the ground in the hallway. We know what goes where and do it all on purpose; challenging the old "established" view that we somehow fall over in the dark and get so confusingly tangled that we sweat and make noises while struggling to stand and go home to our wife. I for one believed the older theory, my wife did too. The man she sees, Jeff, thought this also (hi Jeff), I even asked a girl I know from past falls in the dark and she (would you believe it??) thought so too. The astounding realization that we accidentally keep meeting in the same room and tripping over the same TV cable, landing softly but confusingly on the blue bed with nice flower patterns, next to a nightstand with a range of tea and coffee, phone and room service menu - is all done knowingly! I'm amazed truly.
To test my theory I met with the girl I had previous "ah uh oooh oh, sorry, what's that? Oh, ouch, okay got it, are we nude?" with, meeting her in the daytime so to ensure we have no "dark accidents". It was nice to see her. I mean actually to see her. Pretty girl. Anyway we went to our room and did nothing sexual. We watched TV and didn't talk much. It was when the curtains accidentally closed, ripping her bra off at the same time that we had another accident. When we regained our balance, the curtains opened by magic and we watched TV again, saying nothing.
At some point my cook called the motel room and asked what I'm doing? I couldn't give a convincing answer so I said, "fixing curtains". She replied that by sheer coincidence she was also fixing curtains and amazingly was in the room next to mine! We met up in her room and Jeff went to talk to (I will find out her name) and we talked. We talked for two hours about how wonderfully she had fixed the curtains in her room and how they wouldn't accidentally close again. I went back to my own room and found I hadn't done a good enough job on my own curtains. Jeff had had an accident while in there and landed on (think her name's Louisa?) and they had a really terrible collision by the state of the room. Not sure about the Dr. and his theory now.
Being an UnNews reporter I met with Dr. Chris Morgan at the Hilton Hotel in Manhattan to discuss his theory. The interview was going well until I began to feel a tingle in my loins for the Dr.! We had an accident in one of the rooms soon after; we slipped in the bathroom and fell in the bath for a week then fell onto the bed for another week, UnNews has the invoice I sent them to prove it. You may be disgusted that I would end up with the Dr. having an accident but don't worry; Christine is a woman doctor. She even has an accident catcher which was very nice I must say.
Anyone reading this who is having the same regular accident with another, continue as before! You are just unlucky to keep knocking into each other and the nakedness is just proof of how hard you tried to get off each other. My own accidents started as a traveling problem in Thailand, so many falls, banging of knees happen here, it is the most unlucky place in that respect. So be aware if you go to Thailand, you will end up fixing the curtains in so many hotels you will know Bangkok from a pigeon's point of view. This is an accident prone journalist for UnNews.