UnNews:New report reveals 107% of plane crashes have no survivors
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New report reveals 107% of plane crashes have no survivors
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Monday, August 3, 2015, 05:02:UTC)(
3 October 2006
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LONDONIUM, England -- A shocking new report released today has revealed that 107% of commercial plane crashes have absolutely no survivors. Most people believe that if they're in a plane crash that technology and good old American spirit can save them. In fact the truth is surprisingly different. In the US alone, between 1983 and 2000, there were 568 plane crashes. Out of the collective 53,487 people onboard, 57,231 died.
"After much research I have came to this conclusion, in fact, I have found you are more likely to die traveling on a plane than if you pointed a fully loaded .44 Magnum at your head and pulled the trigger." but after being asked how could there possibly be more people dead onboard than actual passengers that were onboard, he replied "Well in a universe where George W. Bush can be voted leader of the Free World, I recommend you don't ever bother to make sense out of anything, now if you'll excuse me, seeing as there is no need for aviation safety experts now, since stepping on a plane means certain pwnage, I have to go wait outside McDonalds for leftovers."
This adds even more fear and doubt of the safety of aviation, because now on top of Snakes on a Plane, we have to face the fact that plane crashes have no survivors, although some pro-aviation lobbies say "Come to think of it, maybe that extra 7% of deaths might be the snakes that were on the plane", but Samuel L. Jackson had something to say about that:
"There ain't gonna be no motherfuckin snakes on the plane no more mothafucker, because I motherfucking killed them all, do ya hear me mothafucka? You did watch that film didn't you? Didn't you?? Oh you didn't? Well you better be watching out your mothafuckin front window, so I can motherfucking blast in through your mothafuckin back window and catch you mothafuckin una-mothafuckin-awares"'
I had to cut him off, in order to keep my article under the daily 'motherfucka' limit.
This obviously has almost completely destroyed the aviation business, stocks in United Airlines and British Airways have plummeted the most, but there is a slight bounceback from suicidal people who are all flurrying into airports for a chance to end their miserable lives, sorry, I need to keep a balanced view here, FUCKING EMOS. (cough) sorry.
- Attilla the Journalist "You fly, you die: the legacy of air travel in the 21st century". The Hungarian Pissior, October 3, 2006