UnNews:New records set in diamond-hard journalism

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New records set in diamond-hard journalism

Truth doesn't "live here" — It's just camping out

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Sunday, March 25, 2018, 03:30:59 (UTC)

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16 December 2006

Cute panda cub

"0wnz0r3d, beyotch."

CNN TOWERS, Real Media Land (UNN) -- In a Pulitzer-smashing story to equal no other in the history of journalism, Quick Vote at Cable News Network has come up with yet another jawdropping exclusive, his thirtieth this year.

Quick Vote has long been famed for his unerring eye for the most relevant and important stories of the day. But with his new classic concerning the cuteness of babies versus the cuteness of panda cubs [1], the Pulitzer judges unanimously agreed that he had once again "hit the ball out of the park."

Past bullseye blows on the true nature of our nation from Quick Vote include the famous "Do you think it's a good idea to mark the 10th anniversary of Princess Diana's death with a pop concert?", the vastly pertinent "Would you prefer to be served by a robot or human when ordering drinks from a bar?", the weighty "Should small towns be removed from maps to make them easier to read?" and of course the incredibly apposite "Do you like people of your own race more than people of other races?" [2]

Journalists stalking the corridors of power in Washington, schmoozing venture capitalists in Silicon Valley and getting their asses shot off in Iraq and Afghanistan handed in their resignations, finally accepting this incontrovertible evidence of their own irrelevance.

"Truly, Quick Vote's powers of getting to the heart of what really matters to American society and democracy shows the rest of us up as the shallow hacks we are," said Bob Woodward, famed writer of the gossip-column classic "Watergate." "We might as well give up and go home."

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