UnNews:New non-profit helps the stupid
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New non-profit helps the stupid
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Saturday, December 10, 2016, 13:12:UTC)(
27 April 2006
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NEW YORK, New York - Today the ASPCI (American Society for Prevention of Cruelty to Ignoramii) announced its intention to open its doors. Howard Fine, president of the organization since its inception on April 17, 2006, spoke to reporters in front of the headquarters on Wall Street.
"We stand for the rights of those with the most to lose: the profoundly stupid. The ACLU (American Civil Liberties Union) needed help in this area, and we stepped up. The ignorant are the most difficult and costly to defend and maintain, and we all know the rich and powerful can count their share of idiots. We (the board of directors), as powerful and influential persons, feel obliged to help our own, and if possible, to spread the love among impoverished morons everywhere."
The first case for this non-profit was no small potatoes. George W. Bush, a renowned imbecile, had to be convinced that he is in fact, stupid. Spokesman Reginald Mordling said, "He honestly didn't believe it. We had to show him his IQ test results and force him to watch his own TV appearances before light began to dawn on Marblehead, so to speak. And everyone knows how cruel the press is to him."
The ASPCI can claim Scientology, Fox News, Al Franken, and Apple Computer users as inspirations of their somewhat bizarre activities. Board members all dress like Benito Mussolini, underlings mostly wear the leather chaps, tutus, and gas masks. Mordling spoke at length on the significance of their strange clothing, the 1000 secret handshakes, and a secret recipe for some kind of "sauce".
"But that's not the important stuff. Our mission compels us to lift society's idiots up out of the morass of ignorance, to help them think before they speak or act, to show them how to think in the first place. It's not trivial. We need cash and intelligent volunteers to make morons less dangerous while protecting their dignity as human beings."
"GW is our test flight, so to speak. If we can help this poor, lost soul, I feel we can help just about anybody," said Mordling.
|This article features first-hand journalism by an UnNews correspondent.|