UnNews:New missing mass theory raises other questions
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New missing mass theory raises other questions
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Wednesday, July 8, 2015, 00:24:UTC)(
19 May 2008
A CHALKBOARD, Somewhere -- World scientists are facing a lifestyle change now that some smartass has calculated that not only does dust block out up to 50% of the starlight reaching us from remote star systems, but furthermore that the dust is fine chalk dust.
Angrily blaming custodians worldwide for failing to wipe chalk dust, the naturally occuring by-product of scientific endeavor, from the mirrors of the world's telescopes quickly backfired. Joe Bumpkin, the humble grand-poobah of the world union of mirror sweeps, made an appearance yesterday to refute scientist's speculations that custodial negligence had caused the miscalculation.
"The speed at which astronomical calculations are etched onto chalkboards is too high for the dust to remain in orbit- from space it is abundantly clear that plumes of chalk dust rise from all major universities, streaming out into deep space. It stands to reason that if other civilizations exist, they will have obscured themselves from us simply by doing scientific research."
Some scientists, having committed over a tonne of chalk each during their lifetimes in pursuit of a working dark matter calculation, have sought out support groups to help them make the transition to felt markers. "It's a hard lifestyle shift, " chalk addict Robert Oppenheimer explained from beyond the grave, "chalk has long been the foundation of scientific endeavour. Back in the day we used to award the Nobel Peace Prize to the scientist with the most complete layer of chalk dust covering their head. Now we're going to have to read their publications in full."
At the local university, pandaemonium was rampant, a scene doubtlessly recreated worldwide at all centers of learning. One scientist, convinced with the new data that he was on the threshold of the grand unified theory, had to be dragged kicking and screaming from the calculation he had been etching with a piece of chalk that he was pausing to weigh between letters.
- Dust-covered Scientist "Astronomers use new model of dust in galaxies to remeasure the total energy output of stars in the universe". A chalkboard, Yesterday