UnNews:New member of the meat family
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New member of the meat family
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Wednesday, May 25, 2016, 18:44:UTC)(
Dec. 27, 2005
Metro Gotham Unified Urbanium, Tuesday (UNN) It has been discovered recently by Ignobel Prize winner, Ignatious Reilly, that Humans, like animals are composed of mostly meat and meat bi-products.
I started my research after I read an intriguing article in Omni Magazine back in April, 1991. It was a humor piece about an alien encounter with meat-humans. I thought to myself, "there may be some truth to this". So I started looking.
Working under a grant from the Soylent Company, Dr. Reilly was able to perform thousands of experiments, proving his theory that humans were actually made out of meat, just like animals.
- "I was kind of hoping I'd be wrong, since I was such a fan of the triffids. But what can you do? We're sentient meat." - Reilly
Violently opposed to his research, the Redstatsian Congressional Delegation tried unsuccessfully to require the research to suggest that women were made only of Rib Meat. It failed, and his results are conclusive.