UnNews:New iPod to hit market
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New iPod to hit market
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Friday, May 29, 2015, 06:52:UTC)(
27 November 2006
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APPLE LAND, SOVIET UNITED STATES -A buzz of excitement resonated throughout the Undead community today, as the iPod Necro is scheduled to hit the world market at the break of dawn tomorrow morning.
"We are proud to introduce our first product for Undead Americans," stated Apple president Steve Jobs. "In addition to being our third iPod model this year, it's also the first to be able to transmit music to customers without a brain or central nervous system."
The streets of towns all across the nation are splattered with blood and bits of brain tissue as hordes of Zombies queue in line to get their iPod Necro. "My parents never had this opportunity," said young Undead Glargh Morgh, while attempting to crack open the skull of our correspondent. "When Apple came out with the Shuffle, they didn't have our interests in mind at all! I mean, there's no way we could listen to them!" (she somehow said without having a lower jaw, as it had fallen out)
In some places the normal jostling and bustling for a good place in line has become violent. An elite team of necromancers has been called in to New York City to stop a mob of Zombies that attempted to ravage and consume all non-Undead customers. Said Wizard First Class Al-Jazeeb Magharesh the Blood-Hearted, "I really don't like using flame blast spells against the Undead, nor do I enjoy stopping Zombies from doing what Nature made them to do, but some of these people are just trying to buy gifts for their Undead relatives! Even for Zombies, this behavior is unacceptable!" Magharesh then proceeded to torch a Zombie that had grabbed the hem of his long, flowing robes.
"What these guys don't know is that we've already put some music that seems to appeal to the Undead on these iPod Necros already. I mean, the complete works of Cannibal Corpse? These guys are going to fucking love us," commented Steve Jobs on his own marketing brilliance. "The RIAA is too scared to deal with us right now anyway."
Hordes of Zombies overseas seem to be rising from their graves as we speak. On the coasts of Spain and France the first Undead have already slipped into the sea and are currently attempting to cross the Atlantic Ocean. Rogue Necromancers are opening portals of evil all across the world. When asked why he was using so much magical energy to raise the dead 6 thousand miles away from the United States, Necromancer Shang Li Cho replied with "Man, if my Undead can get me a handful of NecroiPods, I can sell them to the poor North Korean Zombies on the border. I'll make, like, a shit load of money and maybe I'll be able to buy some runes that I need to complete this ritual involving a goat and a virgin."
Our correspondent is currently seeking refuge in a local church.