UnNews:New iPod Touch In The Works
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New iPod Touch In The Works
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Thursday, May 25, 2017, 09:05:UTC)(
17 April 2009
edit New iPod Touch™ Unveiled at Apple™ Convention™ in Tokyo
TOKYO, Japan -- Today, Apple™ Vice President Bill Suchaloser™ (pronounced "Soo-sh-uh-loo-see-er™") announced that the 3 generation of iPod Touch™ is in the works as of today. New features include the Apple Scan™, a unique feature that allows users to scan everyday life, a built-in Applescope™ super-sensitive high-dectectance microscope, a new and improved Wi-Fi™ connectivity, and much more. The new iPod Touch is estimated to cost around $3.5 billion each, plus a $5.99 service care plan. Apple has also started charging $99.99 for the new iTunes Professional Edition, and $59.99 for iTunes Basic. Several features are highlighted below.
edit Apple Scan™
Currently, one Apple App™ supports the Apple Scan™, an Apple App™ cleverly named "Scat Scan™." Scat Scan™ allows users to scan their anus and buttocks for any feces or debris left behind while using the restroom. As a sidenote, several Apple™ Board Members were disgusted to discover that VP Suchaloser™ demonstrated the Scat Scan™ before a crowd of over 1000 Apple™ Members™ and Apple™ Fans in Tokyo. VP Suchaloser™ came *this* close to losing his job after revealing his testicles and buttocks while demonstrating Scat Scan™.
Applescope™ allows users to use the built-in camera function to view tiny lifeforms on everyday objects. The Applescope™ is currently put on hold for production while still in the beta stages, due to a recent explosion after testing the super-sensitive high-detectancy rates of the microscope. Two Apple™ CEOs were killed in the explosion. Their bodies were buried in the Apple™ Inc. Apple-tary™ Cemetary.
edit Ultra Wi-Fi™ Beta™
After the uproar caused by Apple™ VP Suchaloser's™ revealing demo, he calmed the aroused audience with the newest in Wireless Apple-net™ Internet connectivity. "Ultra WiFi™" is the current Beta Release nickname. Ultra WiFi™ does not require a Wireless Router to work. The new Apple-net™ server is a huge satellite launched into space last month, that allows users to feed the internet directly from it. The current estimated price per month for Apple-net's™ Services is $69.99. It is also predicted that Apple-net™ and Ultra WiFi™ may be released in several package deals.
edit Apple's™ AutoFixer™
Have an incurable disease? Zits on your buttcheeks? VP Suchaloser™ also unveiled a new chart-breaking feature of the new iPod Touch, called AutoFixer™. AutoFixer™ will fix ANY problem, no matter how big or small. Another controversial portion of the iPod Touch reveal convention was the demo for AutoFixer™. He called upon several people from the audience to come to the stage. One person, Anthony Hickox, was asked to ask the iPod Touch to fix something. Anthony responded with, "I have acne everywhere, can you fix it?" The iPod then proceeded to rip off all of Anthony's clothing. Anthony, hugely embarrassed, was then rubbed down with ointment by the iPod, and his acne cleared up. Unfortunately, the iPod detected more acne on Anthony, and it proceeded to rub him down with more ointment, which was not a pretty sight. The crowd was already shocked from the VP™'s revealing demo, but now a pubescent boy was being sexually harrassed by and iPod. The Apple™ Convention Center™ was then evacuated and the presentation was over.
edit VP Suchaloser™'s Statement
Suchaloser™ reported to CNN this morning...
...I am hugely sorry for anything that might have been founf controversial at the Apple™ reveal convention. We had not anticipated the kinks and glitches still found in the new iPod Touch, and again, I'm very very sorry to the Hickox family and to anyone who may have been scarred by me revealing my man parts. On the happy side, if you liked what you saw, call me! My number is...
Bill Suchaloser™ was fired at 5:30PM today after the CNN report.
The new iPod's have since then been destroyed, except for 100 rare editions, all signatured by Suchaloser™ and Bill Gates™. 50 of them can be found in the Apple-seum™ Museum of iPod™, and 50 others were rented out to desperate people across America, looking for a good time for $998.99 an hour.
|This article features first-hand journalism by an UnNews correspondent.|