UnNews:New game in Burnout series causes gamers to crash into everything
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New game in Burnout series causes gamers to crash into everything
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Wednesday, February 22, 2017, 13:16:UTC)(
1 March 2008
MIAMI, Florida -- The newest release of the popular "Burnout" driving game series, Burnout Paradise, has been identified as the source of many recent adolescent car crashes in the United States. The game features several modes that encourage aggressive or reckless driving and often portrays running other drivers off the road as a good thing. One mode, called "Showtime", propels the car and driver into a rolling crash where the goal is to cause as much damage as possible, often leading to hundreds of cars smashed, and millions of game dollars worth of damage. If lifelike values had been used, hundreds of millions of dollars worth of damages have been caused in a very small number of "Showtimes".
Recently, however, many of the people who play the game, normally aged from 13 - 19, have been unable to distinguish between the game and real life. As late as last week, these gamers have begun taking any car they can find, be it their parents car, their car, or just one they stole off the streets, and have begun taking them around towns at breakneck speeds looking for "random street races", one of the game's key new features. In several hundreds of documented cases, and most likely thousands more undocumented, these drivers will stop at a street light and rev the engine of whatever car they are driving, which in the game is a signal to start a race. When the light turns green, however, most "racers" will floor the acceleration, often with little care of who or what is directly in front of them, or in the case of many slower cars, attempt to run any nearby cars off the road in what they call a "takedown". In many other cases, these "drivers" have taken their cars out into the most populated streets they can find and attempted to recreate the game's "showtime" feature and create absurdly large car accidents. So far, several billion dollars of damages have been caused by these mentally unstable gamers.
Due to these recent events, local police and highway patrol have begun stepping up their forces, doing as much as to doubling the amount of active cars in some areas. Many of them have begun pulling over almost all teenagers they seen, often with little or more reason to see if the driver has lost his or her mind to the game. Though this is normally illegal, the courts have even begun supporting these cops, trying to keep our streets safe from the insane gamers. Most normal drivers have just excused these stops as only a "minor inconvenience". One teenager even said "We would much rather have these looney gamers taking guns to school than driving around destroying everything." Another said "If that we get pulled over once in a while so that our streets can remain gamer free, go ahead." Many of the gamers, however, have begun attempting to "takedown" the cop cars, leading to a very high distaste for the gamers in these communities. Almost all of these deranged gamers are unsuccessful at out running the cops, and police stations have recently become flooded with them. One of our UnNews reporters recently got the chance to interview one of the gamers, known only as The Parkster.
- UnNews - Sir, what exactly did you do to try to recreate something from "Burnout Paradise"?
- The Parkster - Well first I stole a car that looked like one in the game, it might have been a Lambo but I'm not sure. Then I went out to the the freeway and got into oncoming traffic, and got the car sideways to start a showtime.
- UnNews - So you took a Lamborghini out on the wrong side of the freeway. Do you have any previous experience driving a car?
- The Parkster - Hell yea I do! I've played Burnout Paradise for over a hundred hours and got my Burnout Elite License last week.
- UnNews - Uh... Ok than... How did this "showtime" go?
- The Parkster - It started out awesome cause the first thing I hit was the top of a bus, which gave me a +1 multiplier bonus. After that it sucked cause I hit a semi that knocked me off the road.
- UnNews - Well, sir, that semi truck might have saved your life.
- The Parkster - Wtf are you talking about? You can't die in Burnout Paradise.
- UnNews - Well, sir, this isn't Burnout Paradise. The physics of a bouncing car would have cause your neck to snap if you really had of been bouncing around in a car on a busy freeway.
- The Parkster - Whatever man. And stop calling me sir. Its starting to bug me.
Due to these recent events, The FCC has announced that it is going to ban the sale of "Burnout Paradise" in all areas of the US. EA games, the company that produced Burnout Paradise had this to say on the subject. "Fuck it. Next time, we'll just have to buyout a company that won't create a game that gets banned. Maybe we can buy Bungie. They've been doing well with that "Halo" game recently."
- EA Games "Burnout players start violently crashing into everthing". Internet, January 28, 2008