UnNews:New food pyramid proven fraudulent
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New food pyramid proven fraudulent
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Saturday, December 3, 2016, 04:44:UTC)(
6 May 2007
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WASHINGTON, D. C. - The U. S. Department of Agriculture’s new food pyramid, which has led millions of Americans to change their diets, has been proven to be fraudulent. Investigations continue, as both Congress and the president call for fines and imprisonment for the perpetrators of what they view as having been a “dangerous hoax.”
“No harm may have been attended,” President George W. Bush declared, in his own inimical manner of speaking, meaning, one supposes, to have said “intended,” rather than “attended,” “but the fact of the matter is that this hoax could have been far from harmless. The perpetuators [Bush talk for “perpetrators”] must pay a big price for their dastardly deed.”
Speaking for both houses of Congress, as always, Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi shocked her constituents by agreeing with the president, whom she usually considers “stupid”: “The so-called prank could have had disastrous consequences for millions of my fellow San Franciscans.” She claimed that the new food pyramid is responsible for her own loss of over 80 pounds of body weight. “Those responsible should be subjected to cruel and unusual punishment, the Constitution be damned.”
The new food pyramid encourages consumers to eat plenty of whole-grain foods (breads, cereals, pastas, and rice); generous amounts of fruits and vegetables, including broccoli, spinach, kale, turnips, beets, squash, and cabbage; moderate samplings of dairy products (milk, yogurt, cheese) and legumes (nuts and seeds); and very few helpings of oils, sweets, and salt. The only source of protein allowed by the new food pyramid is “several ounces of semen, sweetened to taste,” which may be consumed “only once or twice a week.”
The old food pyramid encouraged people to eat sparingly of vegetables, moderately of breads and meats, and “all you can eat” of ice cream, cake and other desserts; it also encouraged the drinking of large quantities of beer, wine, and other alcoholic beverages and of the consumption of various meats on a daily basis.
People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals (PETA) and The American Vegetarian Association (TAVA) are believed to be responsible for the
revisions to replacement of the old food pyramid with the new “vege-friendly” model, President Bush divulged. The former organization “is full of nuts and fruits,” he pointed out, and the latter identifies its mission as being “to promote the interests of those involved in the promotion of vegetarian ideas and products.” He described their fraudulent “hoax” as an attempt to “undermine Americans’ lust for the flesh of Democrats and other animals,” and characterized the prank as “not only criminal, but also un-American.”
Another disastrous consequence of the fraudulent food pyramid is that it could have increased the adverse health effects of Al Gore’s Theory of Global Warming by increasing the levels of methane gas present in flatulence. “The more of the foods listed on the pyramid one eats,” Gore claimed, “the more gaseous he or she becomes, and the more people fart, the greater the effect of methane on the planet’s ozone or neon or something and the more likely it is that the polar icecaps will sweep over the coastal cities of the world, plunging us into a nightmarish apocalypse in which the world ends not with a scream but with a whimper, but not until I make a few more millions of dollars warning everyone about the death and destruction to come if we don’t all have colostomies.”
Even Senator Ted Kennedy was sobered by the fraudulent act, waking from a drunken stupor to signal his “displeasure” at the deception by belching loudly and filling the Senate with noxious fumes before passing out again, in the lap of a “female companion” who, his aides were quick to point out, is not a “Congressional page or intern.”
According to Kennedy’s colleague, Hillary Clinton, the Massachusetts senator’s action, which occurred during a vote on abandoning American troops to the mercies of the Iraqis whose country they’ve “invaded,” indicated a yes vote. “His no vote has a deeper, more liquid timbre to it,” she explained.