UnNews:New company to solve all energy problems and global warming
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New company to solve all energy problems and global warming
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Saturday, November 28, 2015, 14:23:UTC)(
MOSCOW, Idaho --Mousterian Industries (“A tradition of cutting edge technology”) a new startup company based out of Potlatch ID has announced a remarkable answer to the seemingly inevitable coming energy crisis and the related issue of CO2 emissions and the resulting global warming. The founder, William Jake invented and is developing the entropovoltaic battery into a usable energy source. The entropovoltaic battery converts the ambient environment’s heat into useful electric power.
“We were trying to build minute generators that run on Brownian motion, the jostling of minute particles by the thermal motion of the surrounding molecules. Using the same technology for manufacturing the minute components of integrated circuits, we made minute magnets suspended in fluid inside minute coils of wire. As the magnets moved about randomly due to Brownian motion, the resulting random alternating current was fed into minute rectifiers. Rectifiers are electronic devices that turn alternating current into a usable direct current. Enough of these rectified Brownian motion powered generators connected together could convert ambient heat into usable power. We found, however, the minute rectifiers did a better job of directly turning ambient heat into direct current than the Brownian motion powered generators did of converting heat to alternating current. We realized minute rectifiers converted thermal noise, the source of that annoying hiss you can’t get out of electronics unless you chill them down to absolute zero, into direct current by rectifying the individual electrons. By laying down one atom thick layers of boron, carbon and nitrogen in that order multiple times to make the rectifiers, we had inadvertently made the first entropovoltaic batteries. The practical units will likely be batteries, as multiple layers will be needed to put out practical voltages. The stuff we end up with making the batteries is kind of trippy on its own. It has the same basic crystalline structure as diamond and is as hard as a son-of-a-bitch. Directional boron carbonitride? I’ll talk to the chemist and get back to you.”
Having invented a device that can convert the surrounding heat, no matter how cold it seems to people in the environment into useful electric power, William Jake realizes he has both a remarkable potential income and a way to help his fellow humanity.
“I realized I am potentially in the same position as a person sitting on the valve all the world’s oil passes through. With the patents to this device and all its potential uses we can think of, I’ll have a monopoly that will make Bill Gates look like an owner of a small motel out in the desert in middle of nowhere. I’ll try not to be an ass about it. I think he got his money by selling his soul to Satan and is trying to buy it back with all his charity moneys. I’ll just make sure everyone on this Earth gets at least a middle class income. Middle class people don’t tend to reproduce like rabbits, so I may end up stabilizing the world population. Cool!”
Mr. Jake has identified and is working on numerous practical uses for the entropovoltaic batteries.
“Virtually any form of transportation can run on them. Cars could run on them by letting the ambient air simply pass through the batteries in a configuration that resembles a big radiator under the hood. With the ambient temperature around them as the energy source, the only emissions would be the colder air flowing out the bottom of the battery stack. With seemingly endless amounts of energy, we could dispense with the whole regenerative breaking, hybrid power nonsense and just have one humongous electrical motor where the transmission used to go. The simpler cars should be easy to fix and without the complex chemistry of batteries with all those molecules and ions swimming around like so many nanoscale moving parts to malfunction, the entropovoltaic batteries should last indefinitely. Air and space flight will be straightforward. Use big stacks of the batteries to pull lots of heat energy out of the air and use the resulting electrical power to run jets that move air the way those ionic air cleaners without moving parts blow air through themselves. Without fuel worries, the large amounts of energy needed for vertical take off will not be an issue. Having no moving parts and a simple design and the ability to take off and land on any plot big enough to hold the aircraft, the dream of the average person having their own flying machine in the garage with finally come true. Spaceflight will become as practical as air travel is now. Just use the same basic principle as the aircraft as your booster. The entropovoltaic batteries use up heat making electric power, so the cooling of an aircraft traveling at great speed will no longer be a problem. A craft could conceivably fly at excess of orbital velocity, vectoring the ion jets upward in till the craft is traveling as fast as the laws of physics and the guy who has to fix the thing allow, then simply release the payload at the right moment and it goes flying off into space. For thrusting about in space, use big entropovoltaic battery panels in the sunlight to power an ion or other kind of electric thruster.”
“The average person could make their own power and even heat the house with an energy source that simply soaks up the heat that is always outside, no matter how cold it is out there. Cooling the home will actually be a net energy gain for the household. Cooling the inside of the car will actually let you accelerate faster. We’ll have refrigeration that doesn’t need those ozone destroying chloro- floro-carbons ah floro-chloro-carbons? Those nasty ozone destroying halocarbons? We don’t use those any more anyway. Never mind. The power company with simply purchase everyone’s energy output at a reasonable price and sell it to the heavy duty users of power in industry to make more new kinds of stuff and lots of exciting new chemicals. All this extra energy will drive the economy to new heights. All those petrochemicals we used to wastefully burn can be used to make plastics and other useful chemicals like God intended. We could make oil from organic matter more cheaply than we can pull the oil up out of the ground. We could even make cheap fuel to run all those nostalgic stinking pollution spewing petroleum powered cars so future generations can marvel at them in parades and wonder how our ancestors functioned at all despite bodies poisoned with carbon monoxide. Simply by pulling as much heat out of an insulated box as possible, it is possible to make a Bose-Einstein condensate from anything. I haven’t figured out anything useful to do with that off the top of my head, but it still excites me stiff. Remind me to hire an applied physicist. They’ll figure out something.”
When contacted about their opinion of the claim however, BP replied saying that it was, "A crock of shit." Most people tend to agree with them and have since set Mr. Jake on fire reportedly uttering, "Let's see you power a TV with this."