UnNews:New breed of rat discovered; exterminators called
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New breed of rat discovered; exterminators called
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Monday, July 24, 2017, 00:56:UTC)(
12 October 2006
CYPRUS - Scientists have discovered a new breed of rat, making this a biological miracle that hasn't happened in decades. The rat, which is said to be a "living fossil", indicates the stupidity of the Greek people as all of the newly-discovered rats were killed by exterminators which were called in only days later.
Aelous Ajax, the owner of the house in which the rats were discovered stated, "They're only rats. Get over it. These fuckers have been eating the insulation of my walls and my carpet for weeks. When mouse traps didn't get them, my friend Thomas Cucchi, who just happens to be a leading biological researcher for Durham University in northeast England was like, 'Hey man, I've never seen a mouse like that.' And it went on from there."
Scientists gathered as much information as they could about the species before it's short-known existence was officially eliminated by local exterminators.
"I mean, I had a pet hamster when I was a kid," says Ajax, "but he died and my mom was like, 'Hey, your hamster’s dead', and I was just like, 'Yeah that's cool. What's for dinner?'"
Members of PETA and several other animal conservation groups have expressed outrage with Ajax's actions, and have demanded the UN sanction Cyprus in an attempt to disrupt its economy. In response, Ajax stated, "Cyprus doesn't have an economy. No, really. We all use the barter trade system."
On a side note, the species was named "cornelius deronamonaconius", which means absolutely nothing.