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30 July 2015

Grads

This group of U.N.H. graduates, each with a scroll of hurtful words, does not include any Negroes, emos, or furries — which is inexplicable, as freshmen are required to befriend someone with a victim story.

DURHAM, New Hampshire -- Experts in the United States have published the annual revision of the list of words it is offensive to utter.

Educators at University of New Hampshire compiled 50 terms dealing with class, ethnicity, disability, and sodomy that it would be unacceptably painful for anyone to hear, especially if anyone were a U.N.H. student, and especially if he, she, they, or it had completed student orientation.

A notable addition to the list, this year, is the word "American." This marks the first time that it is hurtful to mention to an American the fact that he, she, they, or it is an American. A White House spokesman had no problem with the new document, as President Obama attained high office by continually downplaying his status as an American, when not denying it entirely. But at least the flag pin has been on the lapel during the second term despite the obvious potential to be hurtful.

In related news out of Maryland Heights, Missouri, it was a sacking offense for a waitress to note on a restaurant receipt that the bill pertained to a "black couple" — as the black couple might have gotten through their entire meal without thinking about the disturbing fact that they are a black couple, and having it pointed out to them could ruin the rest of their evening grappling with the legacy of slavery, as opposed to simply mixing up the bills.

UNH logo

The year state funding was restored, $70,000 was spent to design this spiffy new logo, another front in the struggle to make it hard to tell that it is a university.

University President Mark Huddleston immediately clarified that he is "troubled" by the policy statement, which he said was not policy despite appearing on the University's website. Mr. Huddleston has recently had several policy successes, such as convincing legislators to restore the government funding cut in half during the legislature's recent, brief swing to the right — and coincidentally breaking ground on a new football stadium. Mr. Huddleston frequently appeals for endowments from the rich, which is now problematic, as "rich" is itself included in the new list of micro-aggressive words.

Spokes-entity Erika Mantz (U.N.H., '11 in Feigning Offense) said the Bias Free Guide, which is also hyphen free, was written by "a small group of community members." (It would be hurtful to refer to them as a clique.) The document's introduction notes that more careful use of language is important as "we explore the truths of hierarchy and oppression" (as opposed to contemplating a government harangue paid for by a 9% tax on meals). Fortunately, writing anonymous posts on the University website that purport to be an official speech code would not offend anyone and there is no way that bias could creep in.

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