UnNews:New army dolls to promote military

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6 May 2009

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Field Marshall Tollemache-Forbes worked closely with the toy manufacturers to ensure the dolls were as realistic as possible in the hope of attracting new recruits. "We've even begun to let filthy homosexuals in," he says. Since the majority of Uncyclopedia users are American and as such are likely to have little knowledge of British Army uniforms (or indeed anything besides hamburgers and Nascar), we trust that nobody will complain about the fact that this is actually a sergeant major and not a field marshall.

BRITAIN, Europe -- United Kingdom toy manufacturer Character Options has today launched a new range of dolls dressed in military fatigues which, it is hoped, will help the British armed forces to halt the steady decline in recruitment which has plagued them for many years. Representatives from British Army, the RAF and Royal Navy have all been involved, enabling Character Options to make the toys far more realistic than similar dolls from the past such as Action Man. A range of equipment and realistically-detailed vehicles will also be produced, including a tank with a working spring-operated gun, a Harrier jump jet and a remote-controlled hovercraft able to travel over both land and water. There is even a proposed Predator style plane which will allow the doll to sit in a lounge chair in the childs bedroom, while bombing enemy dolls at a neighbors house.

"In my day, virtually every boy dreamed of joining the Army so that he could fight for his Queen and country," says Field Marshall Rupert Tollemache-Forbes, who has been working closely with the makers to ensure that the toys' uniforms and weapons are accurately portrayed, "Back then the only chaps who didn't want to join up were, to use the lingo of the times, disgusting filthy homosexuals - and we've even begun to let them in in the last few years, although they go straight to the front lines after basic training. Today one finds when speaking to any young chap, he'll say he wants to become a blasted hedge fund manager or some other pansy job. But what the British military needs is the kind of fearless, mindless, order taking men who brought us victory in the Falklands. Obedient soldiers who will run into a snipers nest because they are more afraid of their Commander than the enemy. Now we're hoping that these action figurines - we don't much like the term dolls, sounds a bit girly don't you think? - will show children that while the Army won't make you a rich man, it'll make you a real man and give you a life of exciting, living on the edge adventure where death is not to be feared."

For now, the toy line is comprised of three models, a Royal Marines commando, a member of the Infantry and an RAF fast jet pilot but further examples will be added to bring the total up to 32 which will allow children to act out various scenarios and recreate famous events from wars throughout history. The company is also about to lauch a website including ideas and details of great battles from times gone by for those children who have been raised on video games and thus lack any imagination of their own.

Future models will come with diorama set-pieces so that owners can create highly convincing scenes such as a balaclava-clad SAS team who will come with a model of a damp Baghdad basement featuring a hooded, naked Iraqi man with electrodes connected to his genitals; a group of soldiers in a darkened barracks savagely beating a new recruit in a hazing incident; a soldier selling his sub-machine gun to a shifty-looking Somalian for a gram of cocaine; two troops engaged in the rape of Kenyan women and children and a gang of off-duty soldiers smashing up a Belfast pub and its clientele with pool cues.

"Join the Army," says Field Marshall Tollemache-Forbes, "You'll get to travel all over the world, bombing the living daylights out of it, and meet new people who you'll then get to kill."

It's all coming soon to a Toy Store near you.

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