UnNews:New York inches closer to legalizing interspecies marriage
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New York inches closer to legalizing interspecies marriage
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Monday, March 27, 2017, 14:47:UTC)(
26 June 2011
ALBANY, NEW YORK -- The Interspecies Marriage Equality foundation has fallen on hard times for the last few years. Their last major political boon came four years ago when scientists began constructing genetic "shuman" abominations for the sake of widespread bestiality acceptance. This experiment failed to create the societal ripples predicted by pro-equality organization Freely Uniting Carnal Kinships for Equine and Wildlife Equality.
"We predicted worldwide bestiality rates to rise at least 5.6% after the experiment," said F.U.C.K.E.W.E. spokesman and state assemblyman Jack "Flapjack" MacDonald in 2008, "but quarterly reports only revealed a marginal 2.6% increase, mostly in areas where our message is already strong, such as San Francisco and Tibet."
However, the news out of New York tonight brings sheep shaggers the world over new cause for celebration. In a controversial vote, the New York state senate narrowly passed a measure legalizing same-sex marriage on social, political, and economic levels. The long-term ramifications of this momentous bill are clear: New York state is only a single slippery slope away from extending equality to some of our less bipedal more-than-friends.
Some citizens are less than thrilled.
"This damn country's going to hell in a handbasket," said professional weaver and conservative Reginald Circumstein, "and that is to say nothing about the sorry state of the handbasket industry. Let's focus on the real issues, please." Mr. Circumstein, a powerful figure in the Weaver Lobby, spent the last two weeks up in Albany campaigning against gay marriage in an effort to switch the legislature's focus back onto the economy. Each day, he walked down halls packed with supporters of same-sex marriage, opponents of the bill, and unscrupulous reporters.
"This is time wasted that could be spent passing the tax cap on strings and reeds," said Mr. Circumstein as a homosexual man in a leopard-skin codpiece shouted invective in the background, "The media circus has to end."
But the circus is still far from over. After the gay crowd left to drink champagne and plan their weddings, and the bill's opponents went home to sulk and pick a scapegoat for their defeat, a whole new mob in Albany's halls sprouted up as soon as the old mob left. An assemblyman can't walk a foot without bumping into a sweaty man in a foul-smelling dolphin suit. The interspecies marriage activists have shown up in full force to ride on the gay marriage bills' coattails.
The interspecies marriage bill is still in its early drafting stages, but MacDonald says he hopes to finalize the language during the next legislative session. Despite his optimism, most consider his hope to be delusional at best. Due to the relatively small size of the interspecies activist contingent and lack of clout at the New York statehouse--despite their massive political swing in neighboring state Connecticut--they have failed to create much of a stir so far, even from opponents.
"Meh," said one man who thought getting married to one's own pet is kind of weird. "How would you even consummate that marriage?"
"By having sex," retorted Flapjack MacDonald, as he lovingly cradled his toy poodle, "you ignorant fuck."