UnNews:New York governor linked to prostitution, approval rating skyrockets
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New York governor linked to prostitution, approval rating skyrockets
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Friday, October 21, 2016, 20:33:UTC)(
10 March 2008
NEW YORK -- It was recently revealed that New York governor Elliot Spitzer was involved in an elaborate prostitution ring. Surprisingly, shortly after the revelation was made to the people of New York, his approval rating began to exponentially increase, and he is now more popular than ever before.
It has been revealed that, over the course of the last few weeks, governor Spitzer (previously well known for his crusades against corruption, and for his extremely bizarre name) hired over 15 prostitutes, had his way with them, then sent their remaining body parts back to the brothels from whence they came.
Investigators caught on to the ring while eavesdropping on some of Spitzer's phone conversations. He was reportedly caught saying some very suspicious encoded messages on the phone, such as "I'd like another delivery at the same time tonight, but make it a double," "Keep them coming regularly, I'll rendezvous at the Destination, you bring the goods," and "I'd like to fuck a prostitute tonight." Later, when doing a raid at a brothel, Spitzer's name was listed as "Client 9," or "That guy with the really screwed up name."
Operators of the brothel confirmed that Spitzer would pay for everything. "Oh yes, he was no cheap man," said an anonymous worker, "He paid for train fare, hotels, blindfolds, tape, vaseline, peanut butter, rope, chocolate chip cookies and he'd always pay for the lost limbs on some of his more wild nights."
While it was expected that Spitzer would lose his credibility and become ridiculed for this immoral behavior, his approval rating has actually doubled in the last few weeks. "Yeah, this guy's awesome," said one pub visitor when interviewed about the governor, "I mean, seriously, he screwed 15 prostitutes in one night. He clearly knows where women belong, and that's sucking guys' dicks, or cooking meals! Or both! What a hot-blooded guy! I'm voting for him!"
While he initially planned to resign from his post and possibly jump off a building, Spitzer now intends to run for reelection, with his entire campaign built around his treatment of the prostitutes. "I've got endless reels of films of my encounters with the ladies," he says, "So I can use them as campaign advertisements. Between the sex tapes and my totally awesome name, I'll be unbeatable."