UnNews:New York Jets prepare for London game

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New York Jets prepare for London game

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3 October 2015


Madonna will sing someone's national anthem at half-time, as the crowd will be anticipating a Wardrobe Malfunction.

NEW YORK CITY -- The New York Jets of the NFL are laying down detailed preparations for their game against the Miami Dolphins, which will be played at London's Wembley Stadium this weekend.

The team is shipping American breakfast cereal to London, as it will not do to simply shop for American breakfast cereal at Tesco, and no he-man bone-crushing football player playing for the gay-friendly NFL is going to start the day biting into anything called a "banger."

Cooks are also making the trip, although American breakfast cereal rarely needs cooking. The personnel will procure three of London's dainty pub "lunches" per player and assemble a real meal. For dinner, the cooks will buy food from London's finest restaurants, scrape off the imitation-French sauces and remove the inscrutable garnishes and outlandish courgette side dishes, and add mustard and ketchup, which are also being shipped in advance of the game, as they are virtually unknown in Britain.

A variety of miscellaneous goods is on the same plane flight. These include extension cords, which will work fine once someone goes down to Radio Shack to buy an adapter, except that the voltage is different. The team considered shipping American toilet paper, which in contrast to the British stuff is soft and absorbent, but found that there were other complications that might take players' focus off the game. The toilets themselves sometimes have pull-cords rather than levers in the right place. The Jets finally decided to ship fifty-three Porta-Potties to eliminate all unnecessary distractions. A cadre of sleep experts will coach the players on how to perform bodily functions when in the United Kingdom. Regarding sex, another cadre of professionals is making the trip to assist the players, as the NFL has found that many British women wear head-to-toe veils and concentrate on being unattractive. “It didn’t really cost that much, so why not?” said Aaron Degerness, Jets senior manager. Indeed, the cost, including two additional jumbo jets, will be covered by the sale of ten full-price tickets.

Flat football

Yet another army is making the trip to ensure that the game balls weigh in at between 12½ and 13½ pounds, as integrity of game equipment under Rule 2-1 has taken priority this season over even eliminating dangerous high tackles, low tackles, middle tackles, and hurtful words. A sell-out crowd is expected, as naïve Britons do not realize that Tom Brady does not always play, and depending on which two franchises are competing, they may have to settle for a running back pressed into service as quarterback whose specialty is torturing dogs.

Three NFL games will be played in London this year, where the average fan still views the event as a novelty rather than a chance to make a quick $20 on a fantasy sports website. American fans will have the treat of watching football in the morning, an appetizer before their usual all-day diet of games, without the chore of taking a jet to the West Coast. No team is required to participate in the charade — unless they want to be considered to host the Super Bowl. Commissioner Roger Goodell, channeling George W. Bush on this preposterous linkage, says, “You see? It is your decision.”

George Osborne, Chancellor of the Exchequer, met with the NFL and expressed interest in permanently bringing football to England within the next five years, as the country has no comparable sport, and most of the shops are closed on the weekend as well, leaving no leisure pastimes except housekeeping and wishing for dentists. If football catches on, Osborne states, there is no limit to other American institutions that Britain could adopt, such as periodic national elections with over a dozen candidates ranging from the boorish to the insipid with an occasional Bible-thumper. “And who wouldn't be for that?”

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