UnNews:New York City sold
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New York City sold
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Monday, May 25, 2015, 00:28 (UTC)
2 November 2009
Although other municipalities were seeking new representation, Sotheby's chose to keep this sale to a single lot. Some groups within New York have protested the sale, by making pins stating "New York is Not For Sale," which is clearly not true. The sale totaled in the middle of its estimate - and could have gone for several billion had anyone been willing to continue in the bidding war.
A once magnificent city, New York has been possessed by some of the most influential people in the world, from Giuliani, to Robert Moses. The lot was first sold by a tribe of American Indians for well below the appraised value.
While the auction marked a departure from typical election decorum, it is not unusual for the ruler of the most influential city in the world, to gain power through money. The auction policy was instituted along with an extension of term limits, earlier in 2009.
The auction was a small, private affair - with few attendees showing up in person. Several Arabic translators were on hand to take anonymous bids by phone. The few potential buyers present on the 7th floor of Sotheby's New York office were prepared to make substantial investments in order to own New York. Among them were Sergey Brin and Larry Page, as well as Silvio Berlusconi,  Steven Cohen,  Oprah Winfrey, Rudolph Giuliani, Bill Thompson,  and Michael Bloomberg.
The bidding began low because the lot is not in perfect condition, and needs a significant amount of restoration just to keep it in working order. Thompson opened the bidding, but was shortly outbid by Oprah  who was then herself quickly outbid by an anonymous phone bidder who stated they simply wanted to camp in Central Park. Berlusconi then outbid the anonymous phone bidder, as well as Sergey Brin, and Larry Page - who were later overheard discussing their plans to remove New York because they were really sick of having an office there. Giulliani was unable to match any of the bids, though he was heard mumbling something about 9-11. As it became clear that Bloomberg was going to win the auction Thompson proclaimed "I object, your honor," and was escorted from the auction room.
Bloomberg, the highest bidder, will maintain control of New York City. He has officially changed his first name from Michael to Mayor. When asked if he was concerned at all about the current state of the city - plummeting real estate values, rising unemployment, increasing crime, the 2nd avenue subway line, ghosts in the sewers that feed on negative emotions, costly counter-terrorism measures, a declining school system, and a growing homeless population - his only response was, "I aint 'fraid of no ghosts.".
As is post auction protocol, the lot will be inspected by Bloomberg's insurance company, AIG, and then stored in property pickup until payment is received. The lot will be available for auction in another couple of years. Though this will be the longest this priceless piece of work has been in the possession of one owner since 1887 when William M. Tweed passed away.
- ↑ With the declining interest in the fine art market, Sotheby's has branched out into the typically family-centered election selling arena
- ↑ Berlusconi placed the leading bid on Italy several years ago, and seeks to return New York to Italian rule
- ↑ Who is actually at all Sotheby's auctions
- ↑ Who still, no one has heard of
- ↑ It is unclear why she want's New York, though she may be trying to upgrade from Chicago