UnNews:New Year upon us, death one year closer
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New Year upon us, death one year closer
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Monday, February 20, 2017, 13:31:UTC)(
31 December 2006
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The Earth -- On this, the final day of the year 2006, people all across the globe are gathering to commemorate Death's certain, inexorable march across the plane of time by hailing the passing of another year. Ushering in the skeletal visage with cardboard hats, streamers, and a gigantic illuminated ball moving down a pole, perhaps signifying the light of human life being impaled by Death's sinister pike, revelers in New York City engage in a Bacchanalian orgy of lights, sounds, colors, and feelings, eliciting those words of wisdom: "Let us eat and drink, for tomorrow we may die."
Party-goer Melissa Thompson, when informed of Death's inevitable overtaking of her life's trajectory responded with a mirthful laugh, saying "By the time he gets here, I'll already be drunk! Plus, it's solely man's domain to determine his fate. Outside forces of existence and reality are merely expressions of human sensory perception, and when that sensory perception is no longer here, I'll melt away into the aether."
Others shared Melissa's jubilant feelings, if not her hopeful attitude. Said compatriot Tom Lickvin, "I'm getting a good buzz right about now, but I'll be totally pissed if Death comes before I get with Melissa! Plus, I know that when I day, I'll be reincarnated, hopefully as Melissa's lascivious twin sister in the next life."
In sharp contrast with the ebullient outflowing seen in New York, many across the country are taking a more somber tone. "I'm going to die," said Kansian Marty Jones, dispassionately, resolutely, mirthlessly. He reiterated, in a stilting tone: "I...am....going....to....die." Seemingly depressed with the recent passage of yet another sorrowful, gray year, Marty Jones, and many like him, take a dim view of the incessant dance of death. Local Pastor Geneva Butane said the New Year was an excellent opportunity to 'get closer to God'. He said that the so-called "existential anguish" seen around the country could only be alleviated by a helpful does of Spiritual Guidance. But what does he know, he's going to die too.