UnNews:New Waterford residents prepare for Glory Hole Classic
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New Waterford residents prepare for Glory Hole Classic
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Saturday, May 23, 2015, 12:03 (UTC)
2 February 2007
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NEW WATERFORD, Nova Scotia (CP) - Local residents and businesses are gearing up for the 69th annual Glory Hole Classic at Breton Education Centre. The yearly event includes a basketball tournament, a week-long orgy, and a 7-day coke bender. The basketball tournament involves teams cumming from all across Canada to compete in a tournament with the prize being 72 virgins, all from New Waterford, for the winning team. Another Glory Hole Classic event that coincides with the basketball tournament is the annual bang-a-thon. In the bang-a-thon, New Waterford girls from the ages of 12 to 40 have competitions with one another to see who can have sex with the most basketball players. There is also a BJ competition between the girls, for which glory holes are provided (this being how the tournament got its name).
The players are housed at the prestigious Breton Education Center, which is converted to a five-star hotel for the event. Hookers from all over Cape Breton Island have flocked to New Waterford in anticipation of the Glory Hole Classic. Some have camped outside of the Breton Education Centre hoping to sell their wares, while others have started working the corners around Electrician Avenue, the main drag in New Waterford.
Businesses in New Waterford are booming because of all the tourists and hookers flocking to the town. Seymour Cox, the owner of Shoppers' Drug Mart on Electrician Avenue, says that they can't keep anything on the shelf. "Prescriptions of OxyContin and Percocet have just been flying off the shelf," Cox was quoted as saying, adding that condom sales increase by almost 2000% at this time of year. The Liquor Store has also seen an increase in business with the teenage basketball players coming to town. "We can't keep any Golden Showers, Shark Piss, or Colt 69 on the shelf" says cashier Mike Hunt.
Despite the economic and sexual benefits, some residents of the town don't think the tournament is a good idea. Nadine, a New Waterford resident who says she isn't going to be sharing head at the tournament, thinks the tournament is a bad idea. "It just teaches girls that they are only instruments for a man's sexual pleasure." Craig, a local male chauvaunist, could be heard in the background shouting "Damn Straight". Other residents were more ambivalent about the tournament. "Well I wouldn't personally participate in any of the sexual activities going on this week - who knows what diseases are flying around? - but the tournament does give me increased opportunity to sell my product," says Ashley, a local marijuana dealer. Despite the objections of some of the residents, most New Waterforders are in favour of the tournament as it gives the town a reason to continue living, while injecting lots of capital (even if it is dirty) into the town's dismal economy.