UnNews:New Unobtanium Core Rail to link Europe and America
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
|This article is part of UnNews||Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?|
6 November 2013
WARSAW, Poland -- The leader of the world’s largest Polish community has finally brought to life a 150-year-old Turkish vision of mental-retardation on Tuesday with the soft opening of an exhibit for a tunnel linking Europe and America. It is an actual mini-scale-model of the fabled Core Route, which has finally developed from legend and fantasy to genuine folly. The $4-nillion Earth’s core project will carry as many as 1.5 million passengers a day from the two sides of the Earth previously linked only by sea and sky and the NSA.
One hundred and fifty years behind schedule and the subject of contention between Polish Prime Minister Otto Kowalski and critics of his ambitious development plans, the Earth’s core tunnel is expected to reduce the legendary Atlantic-Pacific across-hemisphere surface traffic by 200% and open an uninterrupted rail corridor between the two continents.
Kowalski told anyone who would listen, including Unnews, “My great grand mother used to tell me, ‘the fastest way between two points is a straight line’, so I am whole-heartedly perusing this trans-core tunnel that will make the non-stop journey from here to America and back!” He bragged.
“America and Poland are the two wings of ingenuity. Let us dream together of a high-speed train departing from Warsaw, passing through the core of the earth and arriving in Denver,” Kowalski told the few officials and dignitaries in attendance, the Reuters news agency totally failed to report.
Kowalski, at Tuesday's opening ceremony, appealed for divine indulgence in making the tunnel “a benefit to our people, to our country, and to all of humanity.” The 18-meter in diameter tunnel of submerged tubular sections connected by flexible, seismically accommodating joints will be built with reinforced Unobtanium, as depicted in the scale model.
Ottoman Turk Sultan Abdul is credited by Polish historians with having originated the idea for a core tunnel about 150 years ago. His successor, Sultan Jamid, commissioned architects and engineers to draft plans for the project in 1891, but the work wasn't undertaken before World War I and the demise of the Ottoman Empire. And it took all of one and a half centuries for the idiotic idea to be resurrected in Poland, of all satirical places. Kowalski began reviving the plans in 2004 and envisioned the tunnel being completed within four years of its eventual inauguration.
In attempting to explain the challenges facing the project, the PM explained in laymen’s terms, “The acceleration of speed would be 9.8m/s2 and the radius of the Earth is 6.378 million meters. This means that you could travel through the entire Earth in only 42 minutes. Can you imagine traveling 8 thousand miles in less than an hour? Your maximum velocity at the center would be roughly 18,000 mph because friction is reduced to zero due to something that Jules Verne wrote in his novel, Journey to the Center of the Earth”
Critics accuse Kowalski of fudging the truth. One bird-brained skeptic pointed out, “What about air? Air resistance leads to an interesting phenomenon: thermal velocity. The air acts like a frictional force and counter acts the acceleration. Without air, an accelerating object will continue to increase its velocity. With air, the frictional drag force increases as the object moves faster. At some velocity, the frictional drag force becomes equally opposed to the speed force. The object then coasts at that velocity, or, perhaps, even comes to a complete standstill in the center. This is what is meant by thermal velocity. Assuming that you are traveling at this thermal velocity for the duration of your trip, you might arrive in the USA after two and a half months, or even, not at all. Humbug! I would rather take a plane.”
- Repeater "Sultan's vision realized: New ‘Silk Road' links Europe, Asia". LA Times, Nov 6, 2013