UnNews:New UK Government advice: We just don't care any more
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New UK Government advice: We just don't care any more
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Monday, May 30, 2016, 20:33:UTC)(
30 November 2006
LONDON, EUROPE: In a surprise new policy move, Prime Minister Tony Blair announced today that in an attempt to solve many of the growing controversies of his government, British citizens were to be advised to 'suit themselves' on many key policy areas.
A major issue is the growing 'pensions gap' caused by the aging population. Indpendent Treasury forecasts show that by 2050, 90% of pensioners will be living on less than 32p per week, a trend that experts claim is due to the rising life expectancy in the UK. To combat this, there will be a new initiative aimed at 8 to 12 year-olds called 'Smoking Makes You Cool'. A major investment of £200m will be made, 75% of which will be spent on buying a packet of 20 Marlboro Lights and a lighter for all participants. Government figures estimate that this initiative alone will lead to a 20% drop in life expectancy and therefore the numbers claiming the state pension.
Blair's next target is the rising levels of criminality - muggings, rapes, gun and knife crime - in inner cities. "It's quite clear that the situation is out of control and the rule of law is not being respected. Therefore, we will be adopting some best practice from overseas; specifically Texas, where everyone has a right to a gun and is positively encouraged to shoot anyone actin' funny." This will enable a reduction in police budgets of 84% in urban areas; most officers will be redeployed to tiny country villages.
The premier went on to discuss other subjects such as drugs and alcohol - "Let's face it, everyone likes a few drinks. And why not a nice toke of a fat one or some charlie while you're at it? I mean, look at Charles Kennedy. He's more popular than me, and he had to leave his job because he was slaughtered all the time." - and also motoring issues: "Look, it's 10pm, there's no-one else on the road. Except in London obviously, Livingstone's congestion charge means that everyone drives at night in London. So anyway, it's 10pm, no-one about, why shouldn't I be allowed to drive at 140mph and then park where the hell I like?".
edit ControversyOne new plan which is sure to evoke controversy is the proposal that anyone going to hospital should be subject to compulsory euthanasia after six hours. "Our hospitals are creaking under the strain of thousands of malingerers. Most of them are just putting off the inevitable; we might as well just get on with it" Blair suggested. "Gordon's telling me we have to save money somewhere to pay for the £40 billion we'll be spending on Iraq."
Further details of the new policy schemes are due to be announced in the coming days. Former Home Secretary David Blunkett, was excited by the developments: writing in the Sun, he said "We've been waiting a long time for the Nanny State policies of the previous government to be overturned. Anything which increases the personal freedom of people in the United Kingdom is a wonderful idea and I support my friend Tony 100%. Now let me out of this cupboard." Other commentators were similarly enthusiastic: Mandy, 22, from Southend said she was "overjoyed" and "it shows that politicians are finally listening to the views of the people".