UnNews:New Suspect, Known Only as "V" Arrested in Holloway Case
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New Suspect, Known Only as "V" Arrested in Holloway Case
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Wednesday, May 4, 2016, 17:49:UTC)(
16 April 2006
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(Oranjestad, Aruba) Dutch police today announced the arrest of a new suspect In the Natalee Holloway case. The pretty young white American female disappeared on a spring break to the island last year. The new 19-year old suspect's name is not being released by authorities, in accordance with some bizarre Dutch law. Only one of his initials - "V" - was revealed.
The trail on the case had previously gone cold, after suspects Joran van der Slut and twins Satish and Deepak Chopra were released for lack of evidence. But detectives and American TV news anchors have been working hard on the mystery round the clock. Holloway's body is yet to be found.
Dutch police have little to say so far about this mysterious "V". On condition of anonymity, a senior official disclosed that the man had "some sort of vendetta" against Natalee, possibly related to her alleged "medical experiments" on him a few years before. The suspect's identity is being closely guarded - he was wearing a mask while being transported to his arraignment hearing. Authorities say they first began to suspect "V" on the 5th of November, but kept their investigation secret.
The breaking news caught media outlets by surprise, with many recalling reporters from vacation to cover the story. This correspondent was paged during his Easter brunch to report on the developments. Fox News' Greta Van Susteren was seen boarding the first available flight to Aruba, where she promised to resume her 24/7 coverage of the story.
"V"'s lawyer meanwhile, claims that his client is completly innocent, and that footprints linking him to the crime scene mean nothing - "most citizens of this Dutch Carribean island wear wooden shoes like my client's." The attorney added, "Verily veracity shall one day vindicate the vigilant and the virtuous, while vanquishing the virulent vermin."
White House spokesman Scott McClellan refused to comment on these latest developments, reminding that "This administration has a policy of not commenting on ongoing investigations, except in cases where that can benefit us politically." He asserted that president Bush has full faith in the Dutch legal process, and remarked "Dutchland is our friend."