UnNews:New Survey of Top Public Enemies
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New Survey of Top Public Enemies
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Thursday, March 22, 2018, 04:38:UTC)(
28 November 2007
New York City, New York -- A new survey conducted by the New York Times, concludes that Osama Bin Ladin is still public enemy number one. The shocking part of the anouncment is that of public enemy number two. The winner: Mr. President Bush. New York Times officials stated that they checked their numbers multipul times, but were forced to conclude the harsh truth. The survey was conducted over a period of two months in the early fall. Apparentaly the Times surveyed some 550,000 individuals, and had a margin of error equal to 1.7 percent. The white house refused to comment, presumably to not draw attention to the story. The New York Times also withdrew the story, citing not inacuracy, but stating that the story would cause to much consternation. A Times spokesperson is quoted as saying, "Here at the Times, we report the news, not create it. Also, we have an excellent group of Arab writers, and have no wish to lose them to Gitmo." The same spokesperson was terminated later that day, however it is believed that this was a stunt, and the employee will stay on under the alias of "Dixel Rosenthal". The president ordered a investigation into the Times' reporting techniques, but apparentaly Congress told him to fuck himself for the funding.
This only exemplifies many signs of a growingly desperate administration. Several shocking stories have made headlines in the past weeks. Condelizza Rice's purchase of six feet of polyester rope, four sheets of plywood, several hinges, and various other hardware sparked rumors she may be considering suicide. When asked about this Mr. Bush pulled a hip flask from his pocket, blushed, replaced the flask and stated, "Well, if Condi is feeling down, maybe she just needs some of my happy pills. Laura gives me them all the time, they really are a kick in the pants! A zap with one of Dicko's def-lib-a-tors might help to, always cheers him up!" Following this alarming statement, Mr. Bush was led off the stage by an advisor stating that Mr. Bush had a sore throat.
Americans may be forced to conclude that Mr. Bush and his friends are going slowly loony from pressure. While small things such as the shipment of 50,000 shotgun shells from an army reserve base to Mr. Dick Cheney's home, or the fact that Mr. Bush enjoys using explicatives to magor international leaders, or the idea that Mr. Bush's broken Spanish is actually better that his English, can be ingnored, voters may want to co nsider the level of amazing stupidity and bullshit that flows from Mr. Bush, espesially after six chilli dogs.
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