UnNews:New Speaker lays down the law
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
New Speaker lays down the law
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Wednesday, May 27, 2015, 10:19 (UTC)
26 June 2009
WESTMINSTER, London Replacing Michael Martin as the new Speaker of the Commons was never going to be an easy thing. Looking at what the MPs required - a person who would not yell out their opinions whether or not they happen to be true, someone who would sit in the chair and remain silent for the whole of the Prime Minister's Questions and someone who would often put the Conservatives in their place - it seems that the best candidate for the job would have been a mute with a very long stick. However, due to an obvious mix up and failure of communications John Bercow was voted in early this week to replace Mr Martin in the House of Commons.
Some MP's were quite happy with the result whereas others informed us that he was only really a last resort, "Well there was no one else," Gary Streeter, Conservative MP told us, "It was either him or that Asian chap and to be honest I don't think we're anywhere near to being ready for such a step." However it turns out that the Conservative may have made the wrong decision in his voting as the quiet and reserved temper of Parmjit Dhanda, the only Asian candidate, may have meant the MPs would have got away with what they wanted. However, Bercow was their choice and he certainly showed that he was able to eventually take control.
As arguments started to flare between the Prime Minister and David Cameron, leader of the Conservative Party, the fuse of John Bercow's temper was getting extremely short. Having attempted, and failed, to interrupt the arguments earlier on in the televised PMQ's he showed a weaker side. This weaker side eventually gave into anger after receiving a hand written note which had been passed along the bench of MP's. It isn't entirely clear who wrote the note, which simply said "Stfu noob", however upon reading it The Speaker immediately demanded silence. "This behaviour is intolerable," He had said, "Your actions do not represent those of an MP - someone who has been voted into power, voted to a level of responsibility. No. Your behaviour is like savages; worse than savages! Like children in a playground. You disgust me. I will not tolerate debating, only discussing. Behave, or remove yourselves."
Many of the public have acted negatively towards the harsh words spoken by The Speaker, many wondering if he read the Speaker Guidlines before taking up the job. Others fear that he will not last until next week, comparing his outburst to that of the previous Speaker Michael Martin. Most parents have complained about how their children were said to be "worse than savages", however there has been no response. In fact the only people who seem to show some support for Bercow are the MPs themselves, all of whom have had plenty of time to reflect on how their behaviour has impacted on the careers of many people.
Speaking from 10 Downing Street Gordon Brown, the Prime Minister, told us that "There is no tension between the MP's and John Bercow. If anything he has told us exactly what we needed to hear. Our behaviour was not suitable and was very childish and I think we all need to rethink our priorities. Mr Bercow is a very smart gentleman and I believe he will serve his country well as Speaker." Comments from other MP's are anticipated, all are expected to praise the strong and persistent attitude of John Bercow.
- Guardian Politics "Speaker John Bercow's first PMQ's:'There is simply far too much noise'". Guardian Online, June 26, 2009