UnNews:New Roman fraternities to challenge established Greek system
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
New Roman fraternities to challenge established Greek system
A newsstand that's brimming with issues
Saturday, August 19, 2017, 18:53:UTC)(
7 September 2006
|UnNews Audio (file info)|
|Listen to this story!|
Problems playing this file? You might be a dope.
ANN ARBOR, Michigan -- At the University of Michigan, rush for fraternities is well underway. However, for the first time, the established Greek system has competition, coming in the form of the newly-established system of Roman fraternities. The Roman system first got its start last winter semester, when several students, disgruntled with the existing Greek system's lack of quality beer and opposition to Macedonia, decided to start anew. The result was the Roman system, which bears resemblance to the Greek system but with several distinct differences.
First, and most obvious, these new Roman fraternities don't use Greek letters. Instead, they either use Roman numerals, names from ancient Roman history, or a combination of the two. "We just don't like Greek letters", said one Roman pledge from the "Augustus Maximus" fraternity. In addition to Augustus Maximus, some other Roman fraternities on campus have taken names such as "MCMXXLVI", "Caesar XL", and "XXX". There have also been some names with questionable Roman heritage, such as "Metallicus Maximus" (a heavy metal fraternity) and "WII" (a Nintendo-sponsored video game fraternity). However, the Panromanic Council (which serves as the central governing body for Roman fraternities) has chosen to allow these names for the time being
Also, the Roman fraternities do not tolerate cheap beer - even for games of beer pong. In fact, Augustus Maximus has a policy specifically prohibiting all Budweiser, Miller, or Coors products. "We don't see how those Greeks can stand that nasty beer", said one Augustus Maximus pledge. Romans, on the other hand, tend to prefer Guinness, and in fact have been in a constant competition to get into the Guinness Book of Records for most Guinness drank at a single six-hour party. These parties get quite a bit rowdy, of course, which has led to criticism from many within the University administration - however, the Romans bribed them.
Finally, the Romans differ from the Greeks on the status of Macedonia. While Greeks oppose Macedonia calling itself "Macedonia", and instead advocate Macedonia calling itself "The Crappy Former Yugoslav Official Dictatorship Artist Formerly Known as Macedonia", Romans have taken the stance that Macedonia can call itself whatever it wants. On the other hand, they do oppose Greeks referring to the "Greek System", and advocate a change to the "Hell System" (after "Hellenic").
Student reaction to the new Roman system has been quite positive, with several Greek fraternities planning to become Roman this semester and many new pledges joining the Roman system. Pollsters have estimated that the number of Roman pledges has outnumbered the number of Greek pledges 4 to 1 - an astounding number for the upstart Roman system. Romans are also expected to have a huge impact in the next student government elections, where Romans have formed the Roman Senate Party in preparation for the November elections. Of course, Greeks aren't happy about the sudden emergence of the Roman system, but their attempts to slow down its expansion have been futile. Plans have even been made for Roman sororities next semester - though everything is definitely still a work in progress for the Romans as they undergo their first-ever rush.