UnNews:New Range of Low-Tech Personal Music Players Released
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
New Range of Low-Tech Personal Music Players Released
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Saturday, July 4, 2015, 21:44:UTC)(
18 December 2008
As the world becomes ever more accustomed to the burgeoning number of highly technical electronic gadgets with which we all surround ourselves these days, you may find yourself occasionally yearning for the halcyon times of your youth when items in your home were not so complicated and how they worked was not beyond your understanding. Perhaps sometimes you even wonder if your life would really be any worse if you didn't have that mobile phone with the hundreds of different features, of which you use perhaps just one or two. Maybe you spend so much time downloading updates, installing patches and repairing software faults on your personal computer that sometimes you wish you'd stuck with that trusty old Remington typewriter that required no more maintenance than the installation of a new ribbon from time to time. And as for that iPod with its 120GB hard drive that can contain 30,000 tracks - do you even know that many songs? You may well ask yourself, "what is the point in all this stuff? Do I really need it all?"
Well, it seems there's like-minded people out there. More and more people are deciding that no, the electrical and technical trappings of modern life are superfluous; that our high-tech toys are unnecessary to the attainment of happiness and, even, that happiness may be easier to find without them. These neo-Luddites give up all of the confusing gadgets, gizmos and gimmicks that clutter our lives and homes and return to a simpler, more satisfying life.
But of course, even those who opt for the most Spartan of lives cannot ignore the international commerce-fest that is Christmas, with its 24 hour adverts, jingles and fifty foot long illuminated animated signs screaming out BUY MORE STUFF! YOU ARE WORTH ONLY THE SUM OF WHAT YOU CONSUME! Of course, the manufacturing industries are always making efforts to keep up with consumer trends, enabling them to deliver exactly what we want; and - just in time for the festive season - The Lucky Seahorse Manufacturing Concern™ of Guangdong Province, China, have brought out a new range of personal music players for those who wish to turn their backs on all of those excessively high tech products.
At just $59.99 (rrp), LSH(Manu.)Co™'s traditionally-styled Portable Gramophone® is not just a low-tech alternative to the iPod or mp3 player, but a very reasonably priced option too. What's more, it requires neither batteries nor charging via USB as it's powered by clockwork. Simply turn the antique-style brass handle (supplied) for approximately five minutes to enjoy an hour's worth of your favourite sounds. Using the wooden horn fitted as standard (brass horn available February '09), you can share your music with friends in mostly clear SuperDolby III MonoPhonic™ sound, so there's no need to purchase an expensive docking station as required by other portable music players. To enable discrete listening, matching headphones (pictured) are also available from all good electrical retailers.
Pocket Wax Cylinder Player®
Revolutionary when introduced in Victorian times, the wax cylinder was the first music storage format to make home recording possible and became enormously popular as families gathered together to sing the favourite hits of the day (Goodbye Sailor, Won't You Come Again by Mrs. Maud Locke-Jenkins and Her Astonishing Singing Pussy, Ey Oop Our Mam, You Don't Get Many O' Them (To The Pound) by Rod Fontana and perennial chart-topper Hornets Of The Pogrom by Arghoslent - all available now from LSH(Music Pub.)Co™). On sale at around $39.99rrp, LSH(Manu.)Co™'s Pocket Wax Cylinder Player® is sure to appear on every fashionable teenager's letter to Santa this year; so, if you have teenage children, be sure to buy yours now before stocks run out. Wax cylinders have been making a comeback in recent times with approximately four recordings per year now being made available in this format, so the person you purchase this wonderful gift for will be spoiled for choice. Each Pocket Wax Cylinder Player® is supplied with one blank wax cylinder, so recordings can be made straight away.
LSH(Manu.)Co™'s latest development, the iParrot®, will undoubtedly be everybody's favourite gift and will bring happiness to both those kids and kids at heart who are lucky enough to receive one this Christmas. As a living organism it may at first seem to be vastly more complex than an electrical item such as an mp3 player, underneath the plush layer of feathers it is merely a collection of gooey bits and bone, animated by the Power of God. Able to store up to 500 songs, the iParrot® can also record a selection of amusing noises and phrases such as farts, belches and swear words and can even function as a nutcracker handy for opening those Yuletide brazils as it comes fitted with a fully-operational beak. No batteries are required - the iParrot® runs on common birdseed and fruit available from LSH(Petfood)Co™. One 50oz pack is included with the product to get you started. iParrot® is on sale now, priced at just $57.99rrp!
By far the most simple personal music player available today, Humming® is sure to be a big hit and will be found come Boxing Day in every home occupied by parents who love their children. Selling at just $21.99rrp, Humming® enables the owner to simply listen to live music or that played on television and radio and then memorise it for playback via LSH(Manu.)Co™'s patented method of Holding The Lips Together® and Making A Sound In The Back Of The Throat®. By increasing and decreasing the pitch and frequency, it is possible to recreate any piece of music and even to alter the original tune if desired - some owners even find that they are able to create original music in this manner!