UnNews:New Osama Bin Laden Tape Threatens Terrorist Strike
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New Osama Bin Laden Tape Threatens Terrorist Strike
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Thursday, November 26, 2015, 10:01:UTC)(
10 May 2006
“Why aren't any of his tapes ever available on DVD?”.
(ITU Head Office, Pakistan) Osama Bin Laden released another tape from the International Terrorism Union calling on all terrorists worldwide to stay home from work, unless certain demands are made. World leaders are afraid of what this may do to an already stumbling Scream economy.
"It's not as easy as it used to be to stir up fear anymore." said White House spokesman Waterneuse today, "People these days simply don't look at to the terror alert levels before going outside. It's almost as though they aren't afraid of getting weapons-grade anthrax in their mailboxes anymore."
Bin Laden's demands for terrorists include some radical ideas, such as the four-day work week, a public admission from Tom Cruise that Scientology is all a sad joke, and R.E.M. tickets for an August 18, 2006 show in Kabul; as well as some more mundane requests, like pay raises and better health benefits for all workers.
Some are hailing Bin Laden as the next Jimmy Hoffa, "Combining Jihad, a general strike, and a fatwa is genius", commented a passing terrorist on his way to work. "Most of us are just trying to make a living. Terrorism as a full-time career is a dream for us, but some of Bin Ladens demands might make it a possibility. Personally, I hate moonlighting as a schoolteacher."
It is currently uncertain how the World leaders will react. A strike of this nature is expected to limit national scream supplies, with the demands only increasing as summer approaches. Details are still unfolding about this radical "call to legs" by the controversial figure. Are picket lines in the future, or will we soon be referring to these workers as "Terror Engineers"? We shall have to see.
edit Breaking News: UPDATE!
UnNews has recently learned that Osama is reportedly upset that he was not able close down any major US ports using the strike because the Dubai deal fell through. Thus far, the first subdivision of the ITU to respond was the Convenience Store Associates Chapter of International Terrorism. A few close aides have described Bin Laden as "feverishly happy" about the possibility of causing US Pot Smokers major discomfort closing local convenience stores nationwide.
More on this breaking story as it comes to light.
- Hans, former SS officer, now living in Dontcraiforme, Argentina.
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