UnNews:New Orleans Saints win Super Bowl; Obama no longer seems special
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New Orleans Saints win Super Bowl; Obama no longer seems special
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Monday, June 27, 2016, 15:14:UTC)(
8 February 2010
NEW ORLEANS, Louisiana -- Last night the remarkable happened: After years of disappointment, losing streaks, and sheer hopelessness, the New Orleans Saints won Super Bowl XLIV by defeating the Indianapolis Colts by a score of 31-17. This being the team's very first trip to the Super Bowl, not to mention a mere four years after the city of New Orleans was severely damaged by Hurricane Katrina.
Meanwhile, the main focus on everyone's mind is how this affects President Obama, as he is the very center of the universe. A poll taken today by the Center for Politics and Sports Crossovers (CPSC) shows the popular consensus across America is that Barack Obama isn't so great any more.
Obama, who had based his campaign on being an underdog, conquering racial barriers, having the audacity to hope, and giving everyone warm, fuzzy feelings in the tummy, was given a run for his money when it was announced the New Orleans Saints were going to the Super Bowl. Yet while most political scientists had predicted America wouldn't get its first black president for at least another decade, sports analysts from here to Uzbekistan predicted the Saints wouldn't win the Super Bowl until the sun completely burned out.
Regardless, the game started looking bleak for the Saints, with the first quarter ending with them trailing the Colts by 10 points. But unlike Obama, they worked hard to quickly end their huge deficit, soon trailing the Colts by only 1 point. In the final quarter, the Saints went for a two-point conversion, but failed due to an incomplete pass by Lance Moore. This play was challenged, just as Hillary Clinton challenged the caucus votes in the 2008 election, only her attempt was a complete failure. The referee ruled in favor of the Saints, who were now in the lead, 24-17. This was followed minutes later by an amazing touchdown by Tracy Porter. Way more impressive than how Obama won the election because of John McCain's failed Hail Mary pass, a.k.a. Sarah Palin. During the rest of the game, the Colts made a few fumbles, just as Obama has fumbled on, well, everything since he became President. Eventually the clock ran out and the Saints were declared the winner.
Immediately when the moment of celebration came and Coach Peyton was handed the trophy, the President's already sagging approval ratings dropped 27 points. When the 11-o'clock news predicted a cold day in Hell sometime this week, his ratings dropped yet another 8 points, as his credibility on Global Warming was ruined. Coincidentally, his approval ratings now match the Colts' final score.
Most of the country's feelings about Obama were summed up when ESPNBC sportscaster Chris Matthews stated, "You know, the incredibility of the Saints' victory made me completely forget Obama was black." His fellow sportscaster Keith Olbermann concurred. "Indeed, it seems the Tan Man pales in comparison."
A group of ardent football fans were asked their opinions at a big Super Bowl party in Miami. "Just a few years ago the Saints totally sucked ASS," said Dave Marcus, a former Obamaniac, as well as a Colts fan who converted halfway through the fourth quarter to weasel his way out of a $2000 bet. "Like, the worst fucking team around. Yet here they are, champions of the Super Bowl. They fucking smashed those Colts, just like David and Goliath. THAT is an inspirational underdog story! Obama? Well, um, you know, he just feels like old news."
His drunk, half-naked brother Paul replied, "Yeah. I mean, sure, he can walk on water, but can he run 74 yards and make a touchdown? Doubtful. Now pass me another Bud Light."
"I think you've had enough," someone said. "I'LL TELL YOU WHEN I'VE HAD ENOUGH," Paul shouted back, before breaking a bottle on his own head. Clearly, those many commercials about people going crazy over Bud Light were dead on.
The Obama Administration has yet to comment on what many are calling its death blow. How the President will recover from this Saints victory is uncertain. Until then, if Facebook profiles are of any indication, 'Hussein' has been replaced with 'Who Dat?'
- ↑ Which is why you can't trust expert opinions. Something to think about the next time you make a trip to the doctor.
- ↑ Not to mention dragged out to a painful length.