UnNews:New Nova Scotia Premier Dexter Vows to Clean up Crime
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
|This article is part of UnNews||Straight talk, from straight faces|
13 June 2009
HALIFAX, Nova Scotia (UnNews) - Dexter Morgan and the Nova Scotia New Democrats made history on Tuesday when they became the first NDP government east of Ontario to be elected. Dexter ran on a modest platform with committments to balance the budget, lower tuition fees for students, hire more doctors, and reduce crime. Dexter says that his plan will cost very little money because he plans on cutting costs in other areas.
Dexter noted that he and his party will be able to get two birds stoned at once by both reducing crime and the cost of prosecuting criminals. Asked how he will do this Dexter replied that he is not at liberty to say at this time. Crime has been on a rapid increase in Nova Scotia, particularly in the HRM since the last premier Rodney MacDonald assumed power in 2006. Dexter has vowed to reduce both rapes and murders to less than 0.5 people per 100,000 residents by 2010. Dexter has a tough task ahead of him. Since he assumed power on Tuesday, murders in Halifax have actually tripled but rapes were reported to be way down.
Interestingly enough, almost all of the murder victims killed in Halifax this week were convicted violent criminals. Newly appointed Justice Minister David "Rooster" Fisk, a former police officer, says this simply appears to be a coincidence. Despite the recent spike in crime, Fisk is confident the new NDP government under Dexter will be able to meet its goals of ridding Halifax and the rest of the province of crime. Fisk also assured residents of the HRM that the recent killing spree seems to only affect those who prey on the innocent, assuring the good people of Halifax that they need not worry. "There's nothing wrong with a little shooting, as long as the right people get shot" added Health Minister Tom 'Turk' Cowan.
Premier Dexter believes that once crime is brought down, more money will be freed up to spend on social programs such as health and education. Dexter also says he will address the fiscal imbalance in Cape Breton by sitting down to negoiate a settlement with his older brother CBRM mayor John Morgan. Education Minister Erica Bain looks forward to increased school funding from the Dexter government saying that "once these evil fucks (referring to criminals) are out of the way, we will actually have money to educate our children". Dexter added that by "taking out the trash we will save vast quantities of money which we can then use to simutaneously pay down the debt and adequately fund all government programs".
According to Dexter, solving the crime problem is the key to Nova Scotia's future prosperity. Liberal and Conservative opposition parties immediately opposed Dexter's new crime bill saying it would target too many of their supporters and party members. Liberal leader Stephen McNeil remarked that "criminals are people too and deserved to be treated with dignity and respect". Deputy Premier Frank Castle disagrees and says that once you cross over into a life of crime you forfeit all human rights.
The people of Nova Scotia seem to support the NDP judging by their landslide victory on Tuesday. Former police officer Jim Lahey says "its about time that someone finally has the balls to stand up to these shitpuppets". Whether Dexter and his party's unique and secret plan to rid the province of violent crime will work, only time will tell.