UnNews:New North Korean Leader Runs Amok
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New North Korean Leader Runs Amok
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Wednesday, March 21, 2018, 14:59:UTC)(
9 January 2012
Pyongyang, North Korea – Kim Jong Un, the new leader of North Korea, has been reprimanded on several occasions by his uncle and several of his staff for not following the party doctrine, wasting time, and being too nice.
Prior to his death, Kim Jong Il, the recently deceased leader of North Korea, had several problems getting his son, Kim Jong Un to conform to the ideals that must be upheld by the god of North Korea. According to confidential Pyongyang sources, Kim Jong Il often referred to Kim Jong Un as "a bleeding heart pansy, but not quite as bad as my other loser children." Upon the death of his father, Kim Jong Un reportedly had high hopes that everyone would "just leave me alone and quit trying make me do stuff I don't wanna do."
Soon after his father's passing, "Little 'Un", as he is referred to by North Korean elite, began to act out. Confidential North Korean reports leaked to Unnews state that initially it started when Little 'Un was scheduled to visit a new housing development in Pyongyang and visit with the new tenants in the complex. Little 'Un was in the middle of leveling up his RuneScape character at the time and threw a tantrum. At that point, General Ii Dee Oht, put him over his knee and gave him a sound spanking.
In another incident, Little 'Un was sent to time out for failing to have someone immediately executed. Reportedly, a 12 year old girl had accidentally prostrated herself too quickly as he walked by and had broken her nose on the ground. At this point she let out a small yelp and began to silently cry. Current North Korean law mandates that in the presence of the "Dear Leader" or any of his relatives, everyone must spontaneously break out in joyful outbursts. The the girl's crying was a blatantly unpatriotic public show of disapproval of Kim Jong Un, punishable by death to her and her immediate family, and slave camp interment for any extended family. Little 'Un was playing his Game Boy at the time and failed to notice the girl. An aide, however, noticed and ordered the law enforced. The girl, her parents, and her younger siblings were all drawn and quartered the following day.
Following the broken nose incident, Little 'Un learned that the star pitcher on his baseball team was being sent to a slave labor camp over the incident. Lihl Buhd, who is a fourth cousin twice removed to the executed girl was indicted in the sting operation and had been determined to be guilty by association. Little 'Un reportedly went to the judge over the case and asked how it was fair that he could send Lihl Buhd to a slave labor camp when Buhd had never met this girl and didn't even know her. Little 'Un reportedly did this in view of common citizens, which caused a slight fissure in the unified front that the party must portray. As a punishment for this, General Ii Dee Oht arranged for a train carrying all of Little 'Un's latest video games, movies, and Rolexes to derail in China. The incident also necessitated the execution of anyone who might have seen or heard of the incident.
As of the time of this publication, Little 'Un remains grounded to his room.