New McLaren F1 car's flaws exposed at first GP

Straight talk, from straight faces

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Monday, July 16, 2018, 12:29:59 (UTC)

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27 March 2009


Lewis Hamilton's car looks fine when viewed head-on

MELBOURNE, Australia -- Formula 1 World Champion Lewis Hamilton start to his defence of his crown is threatening to go if not pear shaped, then as horribly misshaped as Michael Schumacher's chin. His McLaren has so far failed to adapt to changes in technical regulations for this year as well as their rivals, with even the Lada team seen driving past him pointing and laughing. They also tried to press the horn but the steering wheel disintegrated.

The 'new regulations', unusually sent by someone with the email address, which require teams to either make their cars 3 meters longer or build their cars at a normal length, but design the spoiler so that they create the optical illusion that the car is that long with normal sized aerodynamic devices. However, McLaren have managed to completely defy all logical interpretation of the rules with their latest design. At first glance, the car, at least from when viewed from the front, looks similar to all the others. Indeed, in the pre-season, journalists were only allowed to take pictures of the car from this angle. The reason for the secrecy was revealed today, as Lewis Hamilton and Kimi Raikkönen's cars both showed clear defects. What most teams realised was a joke email sent out as a Christmas joke, was taken by the McLaren team to be a bonafide rule change document.

Mclaren truck

...but this angle shows why it has been way off the pace all weekend

As a result, their new car for this year has a clear aerodynamical disadvantage. The only potential advantage with this design is that it will be able to cut up other cars with impunity, claiming simply that they had right of way, because they have a big penis-substitute being trailed behind it.

When asked for his excuses as to why he was 3 hours off the pace, Lewis Hamilton said in his press conference, "Yeh, who gives a toss. I'm just driving round in circles. Plus with this car I get to make stops at the cafs on the A33 and scare everyone shitless when I beep my horn."