UnNews:New Kids on the Block to reunite
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New Kids on the Block to reunite
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Monday, June 27, 2016, 22:18:UTC)(
4 April 2008
BOSTON, Massachusetts -- 1980s and 1990s boy band New Kids on the Block have inexplicably announced their reunion. No, it's not an April Fool's Day joke. On Monday, original members Joey McIntyre, Donnie Walhberg, Jordan Knight, Jonathan Knight, and Danny Wood held a press conference in their native Boston to officially announce their reunion, twenty years after the release of their second album, We Suck, Quit Buying Our Records!
The band members, now nearing 60, are no longer new nor kids, and decided to come up with a new moniker for the reborn group. "Old Farts on the Block," joked Jordan Knight, 57. "But seriously, though, that's the name of our upcoming summer tour, and it might be the name of our new album."
This album in question is the pop group's first since 1994's hip-hop-, rap-, and grunge-influenced flop, We're Breaking Up! Good Riddance! Go Listen to Pearl Jam or Something! The boys, who were all nearing forty when they were handpicked by Maurice Starr and Lou Pearlman in 1984, had had enough of the undying fanbase and the endless touring. They were especially sick and tired of pretending to be twenty years younger than they actually were. "We couldn't fake it anymore," says Wahlberg, 58, "and we couldn't take it anymore. We couldn't write our own songs or play our own instruments. We were like The Monkees or some shit."
"I know we can't dance anymore because our knees and hips are so bad," says McIntyre, who at 56 is the youngest of the quintet. "And it's really hard for us to wake up at four in the morning nowadays, you know?"
The otherwise silent Danny Wood, 58, quipped with, "We can't dance, but we will play some instruments. I can play some nice ragtime on the piano." Jonathan Knight, 59, spent most of the press conference taking a nap.
It has neither been confirmed nor denied by a third party whether the quintet is serious or not. Only time will tell.